Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Appearance/Weight DOES matter

Something happened over the past two weeks and I have realized, that appearance/weight DOES matter. Having changed from a tomboy, to a woman who is beginning to take care of herself, isn't enough. Yes, I have 90% hairless legs all the time now. Yes, I take longer in washing my hair, now followed by conditioner and then topped off with a really good hair oil by Schwarzkopf. I do my nails almost every week. On my own, that is. I take pride in how I look especially when I step out of the house. Even if it's just to the shop nearby. I dress up everyday to work. No, I mean "dress up". No more uncombed hair, sluggish outlook, no make up on, etc etc. BUT all this isn't enough. I am not the typical woman who don't do any work at home. I am the total opposite. I am a full time housewife, and a full time working woman. YET, it isn't enough!

So yes, I was upset, disappointed to the point that I had a shield built around me automatically - which used to happen a lot when I was single and wild. Yes, I could have taken it positively, but at that moment, I couldn't. Many findings began to unfold, and to know that the root was all about
appearance/weight, was really hurtful. Whatever self-esteem I had was crushed to the ground, buried deep within. It came to a point where I questioned myself if I really want to have a child. Because as it is to have one is a struggle. I have been on hormone tablets, hormone shots, chemical pregnancies and what not. All this have caused me to put on weight. No, you idiot (not you, if you didn't judge), I am not finding an excuse. Imagine, my body prepares itself for a pregnancy, and ends up having a chemical pregnancy. What changes, hormonally, you think goes through my body? Having blood with high insulin levels doesn't help either.

It took me almost a week plus to move on. It wasn't easy. This time, this topic really hurt me to the core. I am the kind who move on from any arguments, fights etc in a split second. Because I believe, what's been said, has been said. We just move on from there, improve where we must. Well, sometimes I am not very consistent in my improvement, I admit. 

So yes, appearance/weight does matter. Never in my wildest dream would I have imagined that this would be true and especially coming from someone who matter to me. Long ago, I was a 32' 24' 36. I guess I gotta get that back huh?

Personally, I still can't accept it. What good would
appearance or being lean do if I was a total bitch?

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