Thursday, September 13, 2012

Near Perfect Relationship minus Sex, Intimacy, Caress & Touch = Marriage

I think the subject is self-explanatory. To those of you who don't have to minus the sex, intimacy, caress and touch, please don't bother reading this post. No, I am serious - please stop right now. Also to those who are narrow minded and don't have an open mind to things like these, you too, can close this window. 

This is my personal rant. My personal vent out. I am in one of those low moods. So excuse my language, my bluntness, my words and my thoughts. Heck, wait a minute, it's my blog, my thoughts, my words -so, fuck off if you have a problem.

Remember this post? This issue has been lingering with me since then. Yes, there was another thing I didn't mention, which I am going to write about now.

It's been years, yes, years, the last that I ever felt a caress, some passion (even it was just sexual), made love, and had that kind of intimacy. The benefits of being anonymous eh? I can just blurt it all out. Years went on, I got used to it. Eventually I accepted it. But then it's been in my head. Lingering. Yes, I moved on, but you know how some things just stick? I lost some weight, well, 10kgs to be precise, and yes, my face isn't as round anymore, my skirts are loose, my blouses too... but yet, my better half doesn't find me attractive enough. I get a lot of attention from the outside, but I ain't that kinda woman who would go for it cuz I don't get some at home. Yes, I even am aware there are gigolos out there - yeap, right here in KL. Yes, I know this very well because I used to be friends with one during my single days. But I don't want any of that... I want my husband to 'love' me. Period.

I mean, we had our wild lives before we got hooked up with each other. And yes,  before marriage it was all great. So what happened? I can understand if passion dies off over years and especially when you have kids - but what about when there was none from the beginning of the marriage? The first two years was rough, so leave that aside - but then everything started to fall in place except for this. 

This is the main reason why I begun to have low self esteem. C'mon, my husband doesn't make me feel that I am good enough for him in that way - how do you expect me to have self confidence about my body? Yes, I've done everything. Trust me. You name it, I've tried. Nothing worked. Even spoke to the doctor about this. So the question is, is it really that important to a relationshiop, a marriage? My honest answer? YES. Duh! But would I trade what I have now with him, our bond, just for sex? Nope. I wouldn't. But of course I'd wish he treated me more like a wife, a woman. 

I did a research on the internet. I am not the only wife who is facing this. It's amazing to note that there are tons of them out there. It just ain't right at all. My husband is trying I guess to improve. He started on kissing. But it's just been stuck at that for quite a while. I might as well don't have any hope. It's hurting. And yes, we are trying to conceive too! Hahah That's like a chore. No big deal. It's timed too! Bleah. Maybe it's good we ain't pregnant yet. Cuz with the hormonal changes, the weight, I may just end up doing something stupid being super depressed about it. Low self-esteem can kill. Slowly, but surely. Just like cigerrates, no?

Yes, today is my low day. I thought that I may wanna put this up as private. But heck, why should I? There are thousands of women who go through this, most don't speak up. Hey woman, you aren't alone. Email me if you wanna share your story.

I shall publish this, have a glass of Kahlua - neat, and sleep. Tomorrow is a new day  :)
And soon I shall get hold of this book: Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship. It may just help to bring back my self-esteem on my own, without depending on my husband for it.