Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Kampung ku :)

As I sit here and type this, I am back at my hometown in Pahang. The cool breeze, the sound of the insects, the lush greenery, the calm environment... It’s definitely nothing compared to being in a city. And no, no amount of living in a resort will amount to this either. Why? Cuz that’s temporary and it’s expensive!

We arrived in the evening, and the weather was simply superb. The scene in front of NanaJi’s house was breathtaking. I mean, it’s like you are seeing something from a wallpaper collection. Go figure.

Break of dawn
Evening scene
I miss all this. Imagine just sitting out in the evening and doing nothing but admiring the scenery around you, the cool breeze to accompany you as you have a quiet moment. In the city, I can only think of the concrete jungle, the heat, the humidity and the race against the clock. Even right now, the fan is on at 1, and yet I am cold. Yes, that’s right. Cold. Ahhh bliss.

I saw a picture once, as if it was taken in New Zealand. But when I decided to find the source of it, I was shocked that it’s right here in Malaysia. My ex-colleague even confirmed it as she had been there before. So I guess even within our country we can find not only a serene, but awesome looking place too. Sometimes it’s good to get out of the city. I guess we ought to put Sabah on our list as well for next year eh?
Google Images: Kundasang, Sabah

Monday, December 30, 2013

Happiness with a condition (post inspired by Sweet Tooth)

I read a post by Sweet Tooth recently and it is so true kan? We always think we will be happy if we acquire / achieve something – whether it’s a goal, or a phase in our life, or just a materialistic thing.

Why can’t we just be happy as we are? Why do we have to wait for something to happen, or to get something, only then we think we will be happy? Remember, assume = ass you me. We got to stop making an ass out of others and ourselves. Who are we kidding? Will we really be happy if we have $10,000 in our bank account? What happens when the money is all spent? Back to being unhappy? There will always be something to achieve, something to get, something to think that you must have to feel happy.

But what happiness really is? Isn’t happiness is to be in all the little things around you? The people around you? You, yourself? Being alive each day is already something to be happy about, isn’t it?

I used to think that if I be a mom, I would be happy. But now I know, why my time wasn’t right. It probably never will be either. So am I suppose to dwell and be depressed about it?

Google Images

Now, I am just happy if I have a stress free day. Yeap. It’s that simple. No stress = Me happy.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Of Xmas and New Year

I think since about three years ago, since we shifted into our own "home", we've been celebrating Xmas. Well, not that we do really celebrate the event, but what's not to like about Xmas? It's the most exciting and fun holiday! Plus it's the year end! You are all geared up to usher in the New Year. So Xmas is getting you ready for it with all the excitement... 

We have two different small Xmas trees. First time, we went with white and colorful lights. Second time around, we went with the typical green tree. Both years we both each other pressies. I don't even remember what were they. 

This year though, no Xmas mood at all. We were not even looking forward to anything. Xmas eve we had a doctor's appt. Got home on a bad note. Xmas day itself, which is today, we took a day trip to Pahang to visit grampz. So well, yeah, there goes the Christmasy spirit. 

Now, are we looking forward to the New Year? Hell yeah. 2014, please be good. Please God, I can't take another roller coaster ride. I'd rather just drop dead if that's gonna be the case. Literally. 

Monday, December 23, 2013

Nail Salons

Over the years, I have tried many nail salons. Some very well established nail salons. But it is at these very well established nail salons that they are racist. Yes, sad but true. I am a non chinese, and they make it very obvious that I am not welcomed. C'mon, it's not that hard to notice especially when it's so obvious! 


Then came the phase of buying vouchers online and trying out different outlets. The best so far I have been to is Beau Monde Nail Boutique. The owner, Angeline, is so down to earth. Even her assistant is very nice. Their service is top notch. Although I was only redeeming my voucher, their service was as good as a walk in, full paying customer. Her customer service is what will get her to places.

Oh and another thing, since it's just two of them there, they go by appointments - one customer at a time. Or if you are in a group, then it's different. But really, I love the one customer at a time thingy :p

Mine & mom's.
The same day that afternoon, she was rushed to IJN emergency! What an irony eh? 
Again, mine & mom's. 
I went crazy that time. Sandy blue.
Matte purple/blue
It feels like home. It's so serene and cozy.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Perfumes, perfumes and more perfumes!

Hubby uses a lot of perfume. When I say a lot, I really mean A LOT. I am very skeptical buying perfumes online and even from some shops that claim it's original. Sometime around earlier this year, I decided to give M-works Perfume Avenue a try. That too after reading good comments from my friend about it. She even mentioned how good their service was. 

I have no regrets. Service is great and they are very prompt. They even tried to source out for me certain fragrance & even gave me a slightly cheaper pricing as compared to what I was getting at a local perfume shop in Mid Valley. So yeah, give them a try the next you wanna purchase a perfume. 

I can't seem to find the photos that I took when un-boxing the perfumes, so I guess this will just have to do :)



There's even a little free gift

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Hope to be back and stay

Well hello peeps! After 1 month and 28 days of being super silent, here I am. I just hope that I will stay. Haha 

Before I go on, thank you for your emails. Yes yes, my blog may not be a super famous one, but I do have some of you who emailed to ask if I am okay and one particular person wrote me a beautiful email of encouragement and well wishes. Thank you A & once again, sorry for the late reply.

So let's recap what's been happening.... 
NanaJi got worse. He is back home now in Pahang. He is surviving from day to day. Pains all of us to see him suffering. So all we hope for is if it's time, please let it be peaceful. 

Mom had to undergo an angiogram. That was another whole new experience for me. Nerve wrecking because I was told it would take only 1 hour a the most (well, actually 45 minutes), but it took her almost 3 hours! 

Dad had a platelet rich plasma therapy done on his knee. During that time mom had to follow grandparents back to Pahang to help them settle and we had to take care of dad. 

Oh and remember the delusional disorder?  Well it turns out hubby has HIV OCD stage two. More on this later yeah? 


Dad has to go for cataract operation on both his eyes soon. 

Ah how can I forget, mom was suspected to have a mild heart attack just two days ago. It was then diagnosed as an angina pectoris. Basically, it's a sign to getting a heart attack.

So overall, it hasn't been good at all. 2013 sucked. I am just tired of it all. I've hardly spent time at home in the recent months. What more take a seat back and just have some time to myself. Hmph!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Ta!

It's time for me to say goodbye,
But before I do, I am much obliged,
to thank all of you for a memorable time
and experience that money can't buy.

To those of you who have become friends,
May we continue to keep in touch,
To the others if we ever crossed paths,
May we say hello with an open heart.

God bless & best wishes always.
-Copyright by me- 

That poem will be sent out to all at the company I am working on 13th November 2013. Yeap, I have resigned. It became official on 16th October.

I think it was long coming. I also think that it has happened at the right time. My mom has just been diagnosed with a blocked artery. The epilepsy isn't helping either. My dad is getting from bad to worse. The other day we went for a wedding luncheon, I saw him taking a sip of water from his glass, his hands all shaky, and he seemed a bit "lost". They can't seem to travel on their own much anymore. My mom has missed hospital appointments because no cabs were available. The list just goes on and on. Not forgetting my NanaJi, who I think will appreciate if I were to travel to Pahang and bring his daughter along, even though it's a day trip.

Having said that, am I resigning because of them? Subconciously, maybe it's a yes. But what was the deciding point was an incident that happened at office. There has been many "incidents" and that was the last straw. It's true, once you start dragging yourself to work, it's time for a change.

I am not looking for another job just as yet, because I want to be there for the ones I love. Do what makes me happy. What I have passion for. I have always wanted to try something on my own, this is the time. I have hubby's support, and that's all that matters. Really. If things don't work out, I can always start working again next year.

So be prepared to see more of me after the 13th eh? Hoping to have updates everyday!!   :))

Friday, September 27, 2013

Dyschezia

Google Images
Constipation (also known as costiveness or dyschezia) refers to bowel movements that are infrequent or hard to pass.Constipation is a common cause of painful defecation. Severe constipation includes obstipation (failure to pass stools or gas) and fecal impaction, which can progress to bowel obstruction and become life-threatening. - Wikipedia

Google Images
I purposely used a different word instead of constipation as the title. Hahah Well, it's a problem I have been facing for many years. It sucks. Wait a minute, before you begin to think of things for me to try, let me tell you this: I have tried almost everything. Bananas, psylium husk, yoghurt, oats, cultured drinks, papayas and I can't remember what else. 

I used to take laxatives before we did IVF, but then stopped for obvious reasons. Recently I tried NH Vege Plus. It worked wonders. But alas, when I bought the second box, it just stopped working for me.

Constipation suck! When I don't go for days, I end up feeling super bloated, get headaches, feel uncomfortable. 

There is daily input, but no output. Aiihhhh

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Collaboration with Bag of Love

I am doing a collaboration with Bag of Love. I am sure you would have heard of this beauty bag. I tried it's April bag and couldn't help to go ahead and purchase a full size of this particular product:



Damn, it makes me fall asleep better. Try it for yourself, and you would be amazed. 

I tried other beauty box before, but was not happy with what was in it. As for Bag of Love, it even made me go get the full size product. So go figure!

Anyway, back to the topic - I am starting something small - a tiny, part time business. Planning to have anything from read books, to magazines, to scented sachets, candles etc etc. I am looking to add more products. My aim is to have just about anything at Just Everythingz :) 


I am considering getting in phone covers - sold at cheaper price of course. 
 Probably most things available should be under RM20. What do you think?


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

To quit or not to quit

2013 seems to just keep bringing more challenges to face. Spending 8 hours a day at a place where you no longer have the motivation to be in, can be one of the worst thing that can happen to you. Dragging yourself out of bed. Having no mood to get up and start the day. It can weigh you down so much by the time it's 5pm, and you get to go home. 

Sigh.

Updates:
I think sometimes it's just the devil in my head. Haha
Got to just continue to be grateful I have a job, and above all, a God sent boss.

So there's no question about it anymore. Pheww

Friday, September 20, 2013

Falling in love all over again

I remember the day we expressed our feelings to each other. He was at his place, me at mine. I was so shy that I covered my face with a pillow while speaking to him. I had butterflies in my stomach. Felt like dancing away, screaming my lungs out. I never really felt in love before him. Well, I was more like a girl out for fun. One after another. No any serious relationships. Just guys of that moment. That was 23rd March 2004. 



Almost a year later, we got married and there was just love, but I was no longer in love. From the first week of our marriage, it was all thorns, tears, abuse, fear, and I just kept doing what I had to do. Things did become better after a couple of years, and after 5 years, things seemed to settle down until 26th March this year when I asked myself - why am I in this marriage when we live like roommates? 

Fast forward to this day - well, I have the answer. Because we love each other too much, we would have missed out on what's happening now if I had walked out. 

It is true, everything happens for a reason. The delusional disorder which led to seeing the doctor, then we had a heart to heart and a very open talk, and now here we are - 8 years 4 months into our marriage, that we both feel like we are falling in love all over again.

Marriage is hard work. Don't let people fool you into thinking otherwise. Just like how it takes two to tango, it takes two to make the marriage work.

Talk. Communicate. Your partner is not a mind reader. I admit, I did talk at the beginning of my frustration, but it didn't quite get though to him. But thank God there was an intervention from a third party, or should I say a professional neutral party -  which obviously helped us to communicate. Talking to friends or family, won't get you too far. Unless your family is like my Bro & SIL. They didn't "implant" any decision in my head. The drawback - only I was talking. Hubs wasn't talking to anyone. Well, he only has me, but I wasn't "listening" either. Being too frustrated, anything he tells me used to get me to snap easily.

Today I feel he wants me as his woman. He does all these little things that makes a big difference to me. Helping me clean up, throw out the garbage, paying the bills, calling the electrician, cooking, fold the clothes etc etc... All these little things he is doing now, he does it with an open heart. We joke, we laugh, we talk, make out, make love. It feels like we are beginning to get our mojo. We were very young when we got married. We have learnt a lot along the way. We have grown up and are matured adults. It's time to live like a married couple for real. 

We are discovering us all over again. Yes, we are falling in love all over again. Maturely. It's time.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Delusional Disorder

Delusional disorder is an uncommon psychiatric condition in which patients present with non-bizarre delusions, but with no accompanying prominent hallucinations, thought disorder, mood disorder, or significant flattening of affect.Delusions are a type of psychotic symptom. Non-bizarre delusions are fixed false beliefs that involve situations that could potentially occur in real life; examples include being followed, or that microwaved food, TV antennae, cellphones, and lap computers cause radiation poisoning (as is believed by the Fa Cha Chi Gong spiritual belief. Apart from their delusions, people with delusional disorder may continue to socialize and function in a normal manner and their behaviour does not generally seem odd or bizarre. However, the preoccupation with delusional ideas can be disruptive to their overall lives. -Wikipedia-

Wondering why am I writing about this? Well, The Mr had this issue that lasted a couple of months. And it's because of this issue, we ended up seeing the psychiatrist which in the end, helped our marriage. Hubs was so stuck to an idea that he has a disease that it ruined his day to day living. He became depressed, even stopped going to work at one point, and became a very mentally & emotionally very weak. The thought ate him up. Or rather the belief. Despite doing numerous tests (locally & in Singapore), yet he could not accept the fact and logic that he is fine. Finally on August 29th, when he became most depressed, I took the bold step to force him to see a psychiatrist as I could no longer handle it. As it is, I was contemplating separation, this was just too much for me to handle. I knew he needed professional help. I can no longer talk him out of it. I believe I did everything to support him - especially at the spur of the moment, to take him to Singapore upon his request. 

Fast forward today - the intervention of a medical professional (third party) - was what we both needed. We immediately realized what issues we had to work on. We went to the doctor for hubs issue, but ended up this intervention helped save our marriage. 

No doubt, hubs is still fighting the disorder, but it doesn't control him as frequently as it used to. He is stronger now in fighting it. 

So the reason I am writing this is to let you all know that if you feel your marriage has reached a point of breaking up for any reason at all, please see a counselor or a psychiatrist before you walk out. You just never know what can happen. You haven't given it your all if you haven't exhausted all your options. That being said, do it if your marriage is worth saving la. If he or she is a cheater, then I don't think I will blink an eye to decide what to do.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

To join or not to join


Yes, that's the question. To join or not to join the gym. 

We surveyed Celebrity Fitness in SS2 Mall, since it's the nearest. It's definitely cheaper than Fitness First (the gym hubby is currently in). You don't even have to rent towels! They have a few aerobic classes that caught my interest and also the cycling RPM class.

We took a tour, and it's a simple, new setup. Up to last night, I was leaning more to the idea of joining it. Despite contemplating the idea of spending RM142 every month for 1 year - not even knowing if I am going to actually get my lazy ass out of the house once I am home. You see, once I am home, I'd rather just stay home. Would I be comfortable with the many people that would be there. Hmmm 

The verdict: It's a no go. 

I'd rather spend and get a good mp3 player - walk, jog on our treadmill on the weekdays, and go to the parks on the weekends. All I need is cardio, not strength training. Well, not yet. For now, I need to lose the fat and the weight. 


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Where's your choice to do marketing?

Since I have started cooking again, or more like I have told myself I will start cooking at home like before (for obvious reasons of eating healthy, and in turn, save money and lose weight!)... marketing was on the to do plan.

Lately, we started doing our marketing at Jaya Grocer. Two Saturdays back, I decided to accompany my mom to the morning wet market and I would do some marketing there as well. Now, call me diva'ish, but man oh man, I so wanted to drop everything and just get my marketing done at Jaya Grocer! 

Firstly, you got to hunt for a parking. Secondly, push your way to the overcrowded market. Thirdly, the heat doesn't help either. Forth, carrying all the things by yourself as compared to just pushing a bloody cart in an air conditioned market!

The only pros I see is buying fresh chicken and fish. 

Anyway, when I got home, I decided to wash all the vegetables and dry them before storing. Here's what I got (though some of it was already washed, dried and stored):


Friday, September 13, 2013

Handbag hunt

I've never really paid much attention to handbags. I don't have any collection to start with. I've bought handbags before, but it's always on a strict budget. The only branded handbag that I owned was a Gucci brand, that too bought on a sale! My handbags have never crossed the RM150 mark. The lower the price, the better for me. Well, fast forward till a few weeks ago, I told myself it's time I buy a proper handbag. I am 32 and that's the least I should have. After all, a handbag is an important accessory to a woman just as a watch is to a man, right? Err I think so.

Well, last weekend, hubby took me to The Gardens, and said to me that I ought to buy a handbag and it will be a gift from him. I was touched, no doubt, but then I went like "Why Gardens? Why not Metrojaya?". Hahah

Anyway, after walking in and out of Coach & Longchamp, and walking all the way to Metrojaya and then back again in to Coach & Longchamp, I finally own these:







Thank you hubby!


Thursday, September 12, 2013

Burgers by The Mr

Last weekend, hubs said he had planned the Saturday and for me to go along with it. I decided to be open and said okay. We went for a simple breakfast nearby, and then came home relaxed & did a bit of chores, and then he tells me, let's go out for a bit. I thought we were going for early lunch. Instead, we parked at Jaya 33 and he took me to Jaya Grocer. He told me to grab a cart and follow him. Huh? He then stopped near the meat section and said "Ok, I better just tell you, because I will need help. I want to make burgers for lunch". He had mentioned this before, but here we are, and he's dead serious about it!

We bought the ingredients - his recipe by the way. I just suggested along the way and he was the decision maker on everything to do with the burgers. I even told him, hey, you can get ready made patties - easier for you. But he didn't opt for that. 

I was just the sous chef. I helped to cut and wash. He did everything from mincing the chicken breast, to chopping onions and carrots, to seasoning, to mixing the whole thing with hand, to making patties, to putting it on the chefel & another non stick flat pan to assembling the burgers! 

This is the FIRST time ever he has cooked in his life, what more make a proper lunch for us! (Boiling eggs, and making peanut butter sandwiches don't count okay).

Anyway, the burgers turned out super delicious! I was speechless. Seriously speechless. Guilt free pulak tu!

Here are some photos of hubby's awesome home made burgers: 



 





Thursday, September 5, 2013

What's wrong with me?

A few months ago, I went on a diet, without any hesitation. I told myself, hell yeah, I can and will do it. Fast forward many months now - I just can't seem to get my head around it. And heart too. Apa dah jadi ni?

My weight is increasing by the day. Although the doctor has already told me the reason, but I still think I can control it. But the thing is, I am not doing anything except to think about losing weight. Haha How stupid!

The new medicine, Visanne, that I am on and have already started - one of the side effects is weight gain! Makes me even more annoyed. Isn't there some kind of pill that works like a magic??

I clicked on the "fitness" label on this blog and I am like whoa! I did that? I followed a strict diet plan AND exercised?? 

On another note, I almost tendered my resignation today.

Maybe finally I am burnt out mentally, emotionally, physically... so I just have no fight in me left. Zero.

Or maybe it's the damn fucking hormones!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Voltaren 50mg Suppository


The doc at PCMC prescribed me the above for my PMDD. On Sunday early morning, around 2am, I knew I was getting my period. I immediately inserted 1 pill into my V. I instantly felt a burning sensation but brushed it off. No doubt, I didn't feel any pain at my lower abdomen throughout the night. Which was awesome. BUT it backed fired towards later in the morning. I had diarrhea for almost 3 hours. And ended with a UTI by evening.
 
Voltaren suppository does the job, but I am not willing to endure the side effects, what more when I am having my PMDD to deal with. It sucks. 

So PMDD, let's shake hands and continue this journey. Sigh. I can't seem to get rid of you eh?

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Talking to your spouse about Sex


Have you ever spoken to your spouse about your fantasy? What you like and dislike doing & be done upon? In 8 years, I could never speak to hubs about sex. Complaining about having no sexual life and my frustration to the point of asking myself "Why am I in this marriage?" - was what it was all about. Better I be alone and have no expectation, no need for being a wife, a DIL, etc etc. Right? 

Then came "the talk". Now how we ended up having the talk is another story, another day.

We spoke about an issue that he was facing, and then that led to the issue at hand as well - SEX. Ooooo the taboo word innit? Oh c'mon. 

My fantasy before I got married was to have a threesome - MMF that is. Hah!

We never spoke about it before because this topic was something he used to just brush it off. But I think every couple should be open about it. I mean, how would you know if you don't ask and listen to your partner - whether he/she likes oral sex? Role play? Whether he/she likes to explore? I mean if you can't even talk about it, then something is wrong right? Either one of the partner will definitely reach to the point where I am. Or should I say, was, a few days ago. 

I am glad that conversation happened. I accept the fact that his libido is 6 feet underground, but he has to accept the fact that mine is not. At all. So that's how I am so bloody frustrated. I am glad he is coming out of the cocoon. He is beginning to talk. He is beginning to show that he loves me, in that way. In a way only a husband can make a wife feel. Unless of course, the wife starts to wonder around, and start having flings. Which I am very much against. If you wanna do that, then leave and do it.

He is beginning to instill confidence in me, that he can be the husband I need. He just needs a bit more time to be over with this issue that is in his head right now. Hey, like the psychiatrist we met said to me, "You've been in this for 8 years, wait a few more months before you decide anything". 

Yes, I believe miracles can happen. But I was beginning to be impatient.

To walk out of something, is easy. To take time to consider, fight over it, do anything to try to save it, is something else all together. 

Monday, September 2, 2013

Sad blog?

Let me say this - hubby hates my blog :( 

He says it's too painful for him to read. In my defense I told him, it's where I pour my heart out without any hesitation, without having to think twice. I just write my inner feelings. I then asked him - did you subscribe to my blog? He says no. I said ahh, so you check on it often? He said no, only when he feels something is on my mind and I am not saying it out loud. Sneaky eh? 

Well, I have nothing to hide from him. So no, I am not going to change how I blog :)

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Quickie not in the dictonary?

I know that my presence is very welcomed especially to NanaJi but I sometimes hesitate to go over to my mom's to visit all of them. Simple reason: A quickie is not in their dictionary. Not THAT quickie okay :p

Most times I can be at my parent's place by 5.45pm, I wish I could just maybe have tea with them and chao. If I could do that, it would simply be perfect. But almost all the time, my mom insist on me having dinner with them. Which is nice, yes, but I am tired. I would like to get back to my own home asap. 

So am I being selfish?


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Post failed IVF/ICSI issues

For the past two months, I have been having symptoms of periods, without even getting it. Last month, my periods came almost two weeks earlier. I didn't have my normal 28 day cycle. Then this month, it again came earlier by a week. But even after it ended, I still kept having PMS and at times, PMDD symptoms. My lower abdomen kept on cramping. My back and breasts hurt so bad. My right pelvic area had the same annoying, tugging pain and pull. Not to mention increase in my weight!

At first when it happened last month, I thought it could be because of all the stress. But then when it happened again this month with the PMS symptoms that continued despite after my periods ended, got me a little worried. 

So I sourced out a gynea as I wanted to start fresh, with a clean slate. I didn't want to re-visit my IVF/ICSI experience all over again. She just did a TVS and concluded I have 2 cysts on my right and left ovary, and my only option is surgery. And she also mentioned that I would have to do a surgery every other year since the last I got my endometreosis cauterized was August last year, so it may even be a yearly come back. 

She even mentioned that since I have adenomyosis, I shouldn't have gone ahead with our IVF. When I heard that, I was so upset & angry. We spent almost RM20,000 and now I hear that I shouldn't have gone through with that. All the pain, the roller coaster emotions, financially, mentally.... all that for nothing? 

Anyway, since she was pushing me for surgery, I wasn't too happy. I told myself no matter what, I am getting a second opinion. I wasn't in peace. I was just baffled at the findings. I never had a cyst before, and now I suddenly have two and require immediate surgery? That too, either every year or every other year?? Hell no. I guess Sunway Medical is seriously only into getting more money. 

Anyway, the next day, we went to Prince Court. Ahh now before you start your oh wow, so expensive place... bla bla bla... Trust me, it's cheaper to even stay in Prince Court's standard room compared to Sunway Medical's. Yeap. A fact indeed. Don't forget, it's subsidized by Petronas.

We met up with Dr Iswaran. I have heard about him and also know that he was from GHKL, and also was the head of the unit. He was responsible to set up the first government fertility clinic. 

Of course we had to tell him our medical history in terms of our infertility journey but I didn't mention names. I told him I would rather not mention any doctors names as I know they all know each other as all sprouted out from GHKL anyway. 

He checked me thoroughly. A physical check, an abdomen scan, and TVS. Conclusion:

I have 1 cyst in my right ovary that is causing the pull, tugging, pain etc. And in my left ovary, is a follicular cyst. Now this follicular cyst is post IVF/ICSI's outcome. Usually it takes a couple of months to have post IVF/ICSI issues. I also indeed have adenomyosis, which is one of the culprit of my PMDD and also the pelvic pains and not to forget, a failed IVF. Usually for women with adenomyosis, the uterus lining needs to be controlled and be at a certain thickness to ensure implantation can happen.

My body's hormonal levels have gone haywire. He explained that when our body has a foreign object, our immune systems goes on acceleration to help fight it. It's the same with having a cyst. This is also the reason of my 9kg weight gain in two to three months!! Hormonal imbalance is a bitch.

I have been put on Metformin again, 500mg per day. I will be starting Visanne. He asked me what supplements do I take - I mentioned Fish Oil, Surbex, Revicon Forte, Folic Acid. He told me to stop Revicon Forte as it increases my appetite! And to add Vit E for hubby and myself. 

So now, the aim is to calm my hormones down. 

Oh by the way, did you know that endometriosis is caused by the backflow of period? So the next if you have very heavy period for a couple of months, it's time you get yourself checked. Don't wait till it's too late. 

My follow up appointment is in October. Let's see where that takes us. 

The most comforting words I heard that day was : a) no surgery needed b) of course you can get pregnant! 

Monday, August 26, 2013

Raksha Bandhan

Raksha Bandhan, (the bond of protection) or Rakhi is a Hindu festival primarily observed in India, Mauritius and Nepal(Madheshis only), which celebrates the relationship between brothers (shaurya), cousins and sisters (shreya). It is also called Rakhi Purnima in most of India.It is also celebrated in some parts of Pakistan. The festival is observed by Hindus, Jains, and some Sikhs. -Wikipedia-
My DIY Raakhi
Ever since my sister in law came into our family, I have started to observe certain festivals which I never really paid much attention to before. Raksha Bandhan is one of them. Probably because she is the reason I love my brother even more today than I ever had my entire life. I look up to him and at times I seek his blessings in some things that I plan to do (via my SIL of course!).

My brother is elder to me by 5 years. Our childhood was mostly spent apart, as I was taken care by our grandparents, and he was with our parents. I remember vaguely our childhood together when my parents were in Johor Bahru (having shifted from Sg Buloh). We used to play badminton together just by the lane next to our house. Whenever I was scared to sleep alone, I would sleep in his room. I remember when we were still in Sg Buloh, we fought over a fan. You know the small plasticky kind? We fought over many things I am sure, but I remember that no matter what, he was always there to protect his little sister. 

When I was in Raub and he in KL, he would call me every other day (or was it everyday) just to say hello. On my birthday once, he got me a portable CD player. I was over the top in joy! Haha When I came to KL just for a holiday once, he picked me up and took me to watch a Hindi movie in the cinema - Khal Nayak. He even took me to Menara KL because I said I wanted to see what it is like.

As the years passed by, I became very distant from him, in fact from everyone in the family. I guess the rebellious lot it me became uncontrollable. And the next thing I knew, I was getting married. Honestly my marriage just happened. My hubby didn't even propose or anything. It just merely happened because it was a thing to do. I never told my brother that hey look, I am planning to get married. I just wanted to get it over with.

It is only the day when my brother and sister in law hugged me good bye as they were returning back home, I suddenly wanted more time to be with them. Wanted to have the chance to talk to them. Over the years, we became closer and closer. Well, this is all thanks to my sister in law. 

My brother is a man of a few words, but I know that he loves me to bits. I know he cares for me. I know he will protect me from harm. He is the best of the best brother any sister can have. After all, I believe I am here because of him. He asked for a sibling. Unfortunately for him he got me as a sister! Hahah

Here's to another year to the bond of protection of a brother to a sister! 

My angpow :))

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Home cooked meals - Update

Remember this?

I've decided to stop blabbering about my negativity and start working on some pending things. First of all, the update I was suppose to give regarding the menu plan I had come up with. 

I surprised myself indeed by following almost everything in the plan.  

Here's some photos: 










Friday, August 16, 2013

This too shall pass (Copyright by TD)

I was asked by The Tea Drinker (TD), what's keeping me from having a fulfilling life? I don't even know what would I want or have to do to have a fulfilling life! Hah! 

"You know sometimes you just got to take a breather. Love yourself." is what I have heard over and over again lately.

I believe sometimes we need people from different perspective to I guess errr give you a wake up call? Or just share with you their point of view? Or whatever you call it. I am not saying that those who were near and dear to me, all their advice has gone to vain, but perhaps today I am open to accepting it (the advices that is). Today is another day right?

TD, I hope this feeling that I have will pass. Thank you for taking some time to send an email of encouragement to a stranger who is dwelling in her negativity. Thank you so very much! I truly appreciate it.

Photos courtesy of Google Images :)

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Reason

I no longer need to find a reason to carry on,
What I need is a reason to be proven to me;
I can't keep hoping for a practical and wishful outcome,
I want to start having a fulfilling life ahead of me.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Another day tomorrow

In my few weeks of hiatus not just in the blog world, but with everything else in my day to day life, I realized one thing:  there are people who actually care. But these people also know that I need my space to overcome whatever that is pulling me down. 

Now I am talking about people I didn't even know they would sense something is wrong with me. My SIL was the first to take notice despite my many attempts to pretend everything was fine. Then my aunt who is all the way in Australia, my cousin sister, my cousin SIL, and of course, my besties & my amazing boss.

Somehow they all just knew it. Most of them have had one thing in common to say to me: You aren't the same person anymore. Find that "my name" back. You will find your way. 

Hmmm now how does one find oneself again? 

As far as my hubby is concerned, he has a lot of work trying to convince me that everything is alright. If he put the amount of effort he did in an obsession that he has had lately, in say, being a lover, and also seeing the doctor about his sperm problems, I would not be feeling how I feel right now. But I just cannot seem to accept how he has wasted everything in something that was so clear not worth wasting it for. A scare that turned into an obsession so much so I began to wish may he get the results that he is fearful of.

Now why is it what has happened between me and hubby has hit me the most? The answer is quite straight forward innit? He is the closest. Isn't it always the case? The one you love most is the one who becomes your punching bag, the one who can break you, etc etc.

As I type this, he says it's all over as he went for his 6th test, at 3 different labs (including one in Singapore, mind you). But I have heard that before. I mean, you fall once, you repeat it, it's fine. You don't even fall again and you keep repeating it, and ruining your relationship as well, now that is something my system can't accept. 

All the effort could have been put to good use. Be the husband I need and want. Not only my best friend. Yes, it's all nice and dandy, but I need a husband in whom I can for once not be the one to remember everything that needs to be done - for us, for the home, for the cars etc. In whom I can find a lover, to embrace my sensuality and release my sexual needs. In whom I can find a friend, to laugh, to cry, to just be my partner in crime, figuratively speaking. But I've said it before, everything else is perfect. Maybe now I am beginning to see more imperfections in the relationship. But it could also just be me and my down time right now eh? 

It's another day tomorrow. Let's hope I don't keep saying it's another day and just try to pull through it all. Next thing I know, I'll be burnt to ashes when I am just 40.Or earlier would be great too  :p

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I am alive!

I am alive. I think that should be good enough reason to smile, no? 
No, not for me. Perhaps now I wish I was long gone. Dead. No worries. No problems. No issues. No nothing. Just dead. I already feel like a walking dead person. So why not just die for real? 

Yes yes, that's my negativity speaking. Haha And no, I am not stupid enough yet to DIY.

I guess after all that's been happening, my body, my soul and my mind have finally given up. I realize I was becoming a bitter person, running deeper into a cocoon, refused to speak up, meet up, lost interest in everything and anything.

Ahh, 7th August I had my first cigarette. Did that help? Unfortunately, yes. I have been slipping in and out of depression. Why? I have been so strong to overcome everything that has been happening around me since Jan 2013, month after month - what happened suddenly? Ahh the answer is simple, one word - husband. 

In March I contemplated separation. And now I am so numb that I can't seem to rationalize anything with a straight head. I have forgotten to love myself to the extend, I have forgotten who am I. I have been on a robotic mode since Jan, and now my coping mechanism has gone kaput. 

So what's next? I wonder.

Ahh, probably I should find "myself".

Perhaps a holiday alone for once? Just me, the mrs?
Yeah, might do me good, right?