Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Sexless Marriage

I quote my own previous post "It's very easy for a man or woman to go astray. But it takes a lot to be truly faithful to one, no matter what your relationship may be going through. Whether it's financially strained, trying to conceive, lost of passion, no sex drive, you name it....  the couple who can still be faithful to one another despite anything, is really something!"

Lost of passion, no sex drive? Hmmm It's causing this to come back. There goes my self esteem yet again. No matter how good I look, no matter how much weight I have lost, what difference did it make? Nothing at all. Instead, I am getting attention from others. Not something I was looking for. The attention I want is from my husband. But it's tempting. But it's not right.
No matter how many times I lie to myself and say everything is fine, it isn't.

I wrote a post in September last year... published it, then I unpublished it. Well, it's up again. This means, this topic has sprung up a few times now. 

I have tried everything. But I can't be the only one trying. How long am I going to lie to myself? How long more do I wait for a change to happen? Another reason for IVF was because I knew it wouldn't happen naturally. That's the truth. There, I said it.

Near perfect relationship minus sex, intimacy, caress & touch = my marriage.  

Now you would ask, is intimacy really that important? You would be lying if you said no. 
There are many things that are important in a marriage, and yes, intimacy is one of them. 

Did you know that couples break up because of a sexless marriage? Yes, they do. And do you also know that sexless marriage is considered when you have sex less than 10 times a year? Wait, yes, we have had sex, but trust me, it was only because we wanted to try to have a child. And no caress, no foreplay nothing. It's timed according to hubby's timing. Hah! Why remain married, and have all the responsibilities as a wife & a daughter in law (or a husband if you are the one who is deprived of intimacy)? I can stilll remain best friends. There won't be any expectation in this department. But the thought of it makes me cry. I would literally be killing another human being too.

Hope it doesn't take him too long to see what's happening..... Because by then I might not want to be touched by him at all - then it'll be too late. Why? Because I feel like a friend, room mate, house mate, maid, best friend. I feel he is just used to me being around. I am only a namesake wife. 

It's killing me inside, slowly. But surely. 

Smoke anyone? 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Focal Epilepsy

My mom has the unfortunate luck to be diagnosed with Focal Epilepsy. It all began February 3rd. She was back in Pahang for a family function, and she started to feel very weak, numbness on her left side, difficulty in breathing, her head felt one kind.

I rushed her to IJN, thinking she might be having a heart attack as both her parents have had heart / stroke issues. They did a ECG, and even an enzyme test - her heart had no problems at all. Yet she was feeling the same. The cardiologist suggested to get a CT Scan done immediately. 

The next day, my uncle made some arrangements to see a doc in GH. Yeah, of all places. Well, I took her there, and that doctor refused to do a CT Scan for her. Just ruled out she is having trigeminal neuralgia, just because she gets nerve pains. The thing is, if you have trigeminal neuralgia, you get acute pain on your face. Mom wasn't having that. Her symptoms worsened at night, and I couldn't take it anymore. 

I refused to listen to anyone, and made the bold decision to take her for a CT Scan. The only person I wanted permission from was my brother. I just needed him to say go ahead, do what's necessary. And thank God he did.

Thanks to my cousin sister who is a doc too and knew where's the best place to take her - we got the CT Scan done at Sime Darby Ara Damansara. The results showed no any blood clot or bleeding in the brain, but there was an incidental finding of some tissue that had enlarged. The doctor there recommended to see an ENT. Again, my cousin called up an ENT specialist who is also a family friend, and he immediately said no problem. The same day I rushed her to Prince Court KL, and he did some tests, and looking at the CT Scan, he said she needs to see a neurologist. 

He was saying that he could refer my mom to GH, or Selayang, because you know how some older people are - they die2 also will want to go government, especially in the case of my uncle, who was from the government hospital. Anyway, I made another bold decision and said that if he knew any good neurologist and if he / she can see my mom right away, I would be grateful. He made some calls, and we got to see the neurologist the same day.

The neurologist did some physical tests, and looking at my mom's symptoms, she classified it as TIA. She even scheduled an emergency MRI. But thank God the MRI showed no bleeding of any blood vessel, nor any blood clot was present. 

But after two days, my mom's condition was still very bad. We went back to see the neuro, and this time, my mom could explain how she felt in her head - ants crawling. The doc immediately got her to do a brain wave test. And it was confirmed, my mom has focal epilepsy.

Monday, March 18, 2013

The fucked up 2013 to date

I guess the post title says it all eh? 

Well, let's see, January - we had the IVF failure. February - my mom got diagnosed with focal epilepsy. March - my uncle (mom's eldest brother) passed away, that too tragically. 

In between, both our cars non stop issues, hubby injured his cornea, my life has turned upside down, so much of expenses and the list goes on with little other issues if combined, makes a big one!

What a fucked up year to date!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Back!

I am back! Finally!

First of all, THANK YOU to all those who wrote to me, asking me if I am okay. Thank you. It's really great to know that through my blog I have gotten to know many of you.

Okay, to answer some of your questions - no, I wasn't MIA because of the negative IVF. I only needed a few days to move on from the bad news.

Yes, we even went for a holiday - which I will blog about soon.

My reason for MIA is my mom. Since February 3rd I have been taking care of her needs etc. I went back to work, and soon I had to be on ELs.

Will blog slowly but surely about what's been happening.

This is just a quick note to say I am back! Haha