Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Quickie not in the dictonary?

I know that my presence is very welcomed especially to NanaJi but I sometimes hesitate to go over to my mom's to visit all of them. Simple reason: A quickie is not in their dictionary. Not THAT quickie okay :p

Most times I can be at my parent's place by 5.45pm, I wish I could just maybe have tea with them and chao. If I could do that, it would simply be perfect. But almost all the time, my mom insist on me having dinner with them. Which is nice, yes, but I am tired. I would like to get back to my own home asap. 

So am I being selfish?


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Post failed IVF/ICSI issues

For the past two months, I have been having symptoms of periods, without even getting it. Last month, my periods came almost two weeks earlier. I didn't have my normal 28 day cycle. Then this month, it again came earlier by a week. But even after it ended, I still kept having PMS and at times, PMDD symptoms. My lower abdomen kept on cramping. My back and breasts hurt so bad. My right pelvic area had the same annoying, tugging pain and pull. Not to mention increase in my weight!

At first when it happened last month, I thought it could be because of all the stress. But then when it happened again this month with the PMS symptoms that continued despite after my periods ended, got me a little worried. 

So I sourced out a gynea as I wanted to start fresh, with a clean slate. I didn't want to re-visit my IVF/ICSI experience all over again. She just did a TVS and concluded I have 2 cysts on my right and left ovary, and my only option is surgery. And she also mentioned that I would have to do a surgery every other year since the last I got my endometreosis cauterized was August last year, so it may even be a yearly come back. 

She even mentioned that since I have adenomyosis, I shouldn't have gone ahead with our IVF. When I heard that, I was so upset & angry. We spent almost RM20,000 and now I hear that I shouldn't have gone through with that. All the pain, the roller coaster emotions, financially, mentally.... all that for nothing? 

Anyway, since she was pushing me for surgery, I wasn't too happy. I told myself no matter what, I am getting a second opinion. I wasn't in peace. I was just baffled at the findings. I never had a cyst before, and now I suddenly have two and require immediate surgery? That too, either every year or every other year?? Hell no. I guess Sunway Medical is seriously only into getting more money. 

Anyway, the next day, we went to Prince Court. Ahh now before you start your oh wow, so expensive place... bla bla bla... Trust me, it's cheaper to even stay in Prince Court's standard room compared to Sunway Medical's. Yeap. A fact indeed. Don't forget, it's subsidized by Petronas.

We met up with Dr Iswaran. I have heard about him and also know that he was from GHKL, and also was the head of the unit. He was responsible to set up the first government fertility clinic. 

Of course we had to tell him our medical history in terms of our infertility journey but I didn't mention names. I told him I would rather not mention any doctors names as I know they all know each other as all sprouted out from GHKL anyway. 

He checked me thoroughly. A physical check, an abdomen scan, and TVS. Conclusion:

I have 1 cyst in my right ovary that is causing the pull, tugging, pain etc. And in my left ovary, is a follicular cyst. Now this follicular cyst is post IVF/ICSI's outcome. Usually it takes a couple of months to have post IVF/ICSI issues. I also indeed have adenomyosis, which is one of the culprit of my PMDD and also the pelvic pains and not to forget, a failed IVF. Usually for women with adenomyosis, the uterus lining needs to be controlled and be at a certain thickness to ensure implantation can happen.

My body's hormonal levels have gone haywire. He explained that when our body has a foreign object, our immune systems goes on acceleration to help fight it. It's the same with having a cyst. This is also the reason of my 9kg weight gain in two to three months!! Hormonal imbalance is a bitch.

I have been put on Metformin again, 500mg per day. I will be starting Visanne. He asked me what supplements do I take - I mentioned Fish Oil, Surbex, Revicon Forte, Folic Acid. He told me to stop Revicon Forte as it increases my appetite! And to add Vit E for hubby and myself. 

So now, the aim is to calm my hormones down. 

Oh by the way, did you know that endometriosis is caused by the backflow of period? So the next if you have very heavy period for a couple of months, it's time you get yourself checked. Don't wait till it's too late. 

My follow up appointment is in October. Let's see where that takes us. 

The most comforting words I heard that day was : a) no surgery needed b) of course you can get pregnant! 

Monday, August 26, 2013

Raksha Bandhan

Raksha Bandhan, (the bond of protection) or Rakhi is a Hindu festival primarily observed in India, Mauritius and Nepal(Madheshis only), which celebrates the relationship between brothers (shaurya), cousins and sisters (shreya). It is also called Rakhi Purnima in most of India.It is also celebrated in some parts of Pakistan. The festival is observed by Hindus, Jains, and some Sikhs. -Wikipedia-
My DIY Raakhi
Ever since my sister in law came into our family, I have started to observe certain festivals which I never really paid much attention to before. Raksha Bandhan is one of them. Probably because she is the reason I love my brother even more today than I ever had my entire life. I look up to him and at times I seek his blessings in some things that I plan to do (via my SIL of course!).

My brother is elder to me by 5 years. Our childhood was mostly spent apart, as I was taken care by our grandparents, and he was with our parents. I remember vaguely our childhood together when my parents were in Johor Bahru (having shifted from Sg Buloh). We used to play badminton together just by the lane next to our house. Whenever I was scared to sleep alone, I would sleep in his room. I remember when we were still in Sg Buloh, we fought over a fan. You know the small plasticky kind? We fought over many things I am sure, but I remember that no matter what, he was always there to protect his little sister. 

When I was in Raub and he in KL, he would call me every other day (or was it everyday) just to say hello. On my birthday once, he got me a portable CD player. I was over the top in joy! Haha When I came to KL just for a holiday once, he picked me up and took me to watch a Hindi movie in the cinema - Khal Nayak. He even took me to Menara KL because I said I wanted to see what it is like.

As the years passed by, I became very distant from him, in fact from everyone in the family. I guess the rebellious lot it me became uncontrollable. And the next thing I knew, I was getting married. Honestly my marriage just happened. My hubby didn't even propose or anything. It just merely happened because it was a thing to do. I never told my brother that hey look, I am planning to get married. I just wanted to get it over with.

It is only the day when my brother and sister in law hugged me good bye as they were returning back home, I suddenly wanted more time to be with them. Wanted to have the chance to talk to them. Over the years, we became closer and closer. Well, this is all thanks to my sister in law. 

My brother is a man of a few words, but I know that he loves me to bits. I know he cares for me. I know he will protect me from harm. He is the best of the best brother any sister can have. After all, I believe I am here because of him. He asked for a sibling. Unfortunately for him he got me as a sister! Hahah

Here's to another year to the bond of protection of a brother to a sister! 

My angpow :))

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Home cooked meals - Update

Remember this?

I've decided to stop blabbering about my negativity and start working on some pending things. First of all, the update I was suppose to give regarding the menu plan I had come up with. 

I surprised myself indeed by following almost everything in the plan.  

Here's some photos: 










Friday, August 16, 2013

This too shall pass (Copyright by TD)

I was asked by The Tea Drinker (TD), what's keeping me from having a fulfilling life? I don't even know what would I want or have to do to have a fulfilling life! Hah! 

"You know sometimes you just got to take a breather. Love yourself." is what I have heard over and over again lately.

I believe sometimes we need people from different perspective to I guess errr give you a wake up call? Or just share with you their point of view? Or whatever you call it. I am not saying that those who were near and dear to me, all their advice has gone to vain, but perhaps today I am open to accepting it (the advices that is). Today is another day right?

TD, I hope this feeling that I have will pass. Thank you for taking some time to send an email of encouragement to a stranger who is dwelling in her negativity. Thank you so very much! I truly appreciate it.

Photos courtesy of Google Images :)

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Reason

I no longer need to find a reason to carry on,
What I need is a reason to be proven to me;
I can't keep hoping for a practical and wishful outcome,
I want to start having a fulfilling life ahead of me.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Another day tomorrow

In my few weeks of hiatus not just in the blog world, but with everything else in my day to day life, I realized one thing:  there are people who actually care. But these people also know that I need my space to overcome whatever that is pulling me down. 

Now I am talking about people I didn't even know they would sense something is wrong with me. My SIL was the first to take notice despite my many attempts to pretend everything was fine. Then my aunt who is all the way in Australia, my cousin sister, my cousin SIL, and of course, my besties & my amazing boss.

Somehow they all just knew it. Most of them have had one thing in common to say to me: You aren't the same person anymore. Find that "my name" back. You will find your way. 

Hmmm now how does one find oneself again? 

As far as my hubby is concerned, he has a lot of work trying to convince me that everything is alright. If he put the amount of effort he did in an obsession that he has had lately, in say, being a lover, and also seeing the doctor about his sperm problems, I would not be feeling how I feel right now. But I just cannot seem to accept how he has wasted everything in something that was so clear not worth wasting it for. A scare that turned into an obsession so much so I began to wish may he get the results that he is fearful of.

Now why is it what has happened between me and hubby has hit me the most? The answer is quite straight forward innit? He is the closest. Isn't it always the case? The one you love most is the one who becomes your punching bag, the one who can break you, etc etc.

As I type this, he says it's all over as he went for his 6th test, at 3 different labs (including one in Singapore, mind you). But I have heard that before. I mean, you fall once, you repeat it, it's fine. You don't even fall again and you keep repeating it, and ruining your relationship as well, now that is something my system can't accept. 

All the effort could have been put to good use. Be the husband I need and want. Not only my best friend. Yes, it's all nice and dandy, but I need a husband in whom I can for once not be the one to remember everything that needs to be done - for us, for the home, for the cars etc. In whom I can find a lover, to embrace my sensuality and release my sexual needs. In whom I can find a friend, to laugh, to cry, to just be my partner in crime, figuratively speaking. But I've said it before, everything else is perfect. Maybe now I am beginning to see more imperfections in the relationship. But it could also just be me and my down time right now eh? 

It's another day tomorrow. Let's hope I don't keep saying it's another day and just try to pull through it all. Next thing I know, I'll be burnt to ashes when I am just 40.Or earlier would be great too  :p

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I am alive!

I am alive. I think that should be good enough reason to smile, no? 
No, not for me. Perhaps now I wish I was long gone. Dead. No worries. No problems. No issues. No nothing. Just dead. I already feel like a walking dead person. So why not just die for real? 

Yes yes, that's my negativity speaking. Haha And no, I am not stupid enough yet to DIY.

I guess after all that's been happening, my body, my soul and my mind have finally given up. I realize I was becoming a bitter person, running deeper into a cocoon, refused to speak up, meet up, lost interest in everything and anything.

Ahh, 7th August I had my first cigarette. Did that help? Unfortunately, yes. I have been slipping in and out of depression. Why? I have been so strong to overcome everything that has been happening around me since Jan 2013, month after month - what happened suddenly? Ahh the answer is simple, one word - husband. 

In March I contemplated separation. And now I am so numb that I can't seem to rationalize anything with a straight head. I have forgotten to love myself to the extend, I have forgotten who am I. I have been on a robotic mode since Jan, and now my coping mechanism has gone kaput. 

So what's next? I wonder.

Ahh, probably I should find "myself".

Perhaps a holiday alone for once? Just me, the mrs?
Yeah, might do me good, right?