In my few weeks of hiatus not just in the blog world, but with everything else in my day to day life, I realized one thing: there are people who actually care. But these people also know that I need my space to overcome whatever that is pulling me down.
Now I am talking about people I didn't even know they would sense something is wrong with me. My SIL was the first to take notice despite my many attempts to pretend everything was fine. Then my aunt who is all the way in Australia, my cousin sister, my cousin SIL, and of course, my besties & my amazing boss.
Somehow they all just knew it. Most of them have had one thing in common to say to me: You aren't the same person anymore. Find that "my name" back. You will find your way.
Hmmm now how does one find oneself again?
As far as my hubby is concerned, he has a lot of work trying to convince me that everything is alright. If he put the amount of effort he did in an obsession that he has had lately, in say, being a lover, and also seeing the doctor about his sperm problems, I would not be feeling how I feel right now. But I just cannot seem to accept how he has wasted everything in something that was so clear not worth wasting it for. A scare that turned into an obsession so much so I began to wish may he get the results that he is fearful of.
Now why is it what has happened between me and hubby has hit me the most? The answer is quite straight forward innit? He is the closest. Isn't it always the case? The one you love most is the one who becomes your punching bag, the one who can break you, etc etc.
As I type this, he says it's all over as he went for his 6th test, at 3 different labs (including one in Singapore, mind you). But I have heard that before. I mean, you fall once, you repeat it, it's fine. You don't even fall again and you keep repeating it, and ruining your relationship as well, now that is something my system can't accept.
All the effort could have been put to good use. Be the husband I need and want. Not only my best friend. Yes, it's all nice and dandy, but I need a husband in whom I can for once not be the one to remember everything that needs to be done - for us, for the home, for the cars etc. In whom I can find a lover, to embrace my sensuality and release my sexual needs. In whom I can find a friend, to laugh, to cry, to just be my partner in crime, figuratively speaking. But I've said it before, everything else is perfect. Maybe now I am beginning to see more imperfections in the relationship. But it could also just be me and my down time right now eh?
It's another day tomorrow. Let's hope I don't keep saying it's another day and just try to pull through it all. Next thing I know, I'll be burnt to ashes when I am just 40.Or earlier would be great too :p