Saturday, January 25, 2014

The HARDEST goodbye

NanaJi passed away on 21st, Tue. I got the news when I was with my mom at PCMC for her EEG test. I just got the call and a few seconds later, mom's name was called. We of course, just informed what happened and left immediately. I do not know how I dropped my mom home. I kept telling her, please be strong because I cannot be there for you. You have to take care of yourself. I was almost losing my voice, but I was still not crying out loud. The moment I left her, my tears just flowed like a river. My legs felt weak. I do not remember the journey back home. I do not know how I reached home. Probably NanaJi made sure I got home safe. Hubs was waiting outside for me. He too knew, this was the one thing that would break me into pieces. I will not be able to pick myself up. I parked the car, and just couldn't get out. He had to literally carry me into the home. I became a small child. I kept repeating "my NanaJi no more", "please take me to NanaJi, I want to see him". I cried and cried like there was no tomorrow. Next thing I know, I was wailing away. Hubs tried his best, but he knew, nothing is going to stop me. When I could breathe normally, he brought me to the room, and asked me what I want to take along. He packed my bag and I started talking to myself. I was slipping into the unknown. I held a photo of NanaJi and kept talking, crying, smiling, talking, crying. Hubby was of course getting very worried, but no matter what he did, I wouldn't come out of it.

When we finally left, an aunt (NanaJi's DIL) who was sitting at the back of the car, tried to console me. But I showed her NanaJi's photo and told her "do you know, my NanaJi went BabaJi (Lord) house?" I kept crying and crying non stop. Then came the part to get me to eat something as I had not had anything to eat since morning. The moment they gave me a nugget, I cried even louder. So they just decided to let it be for now. I kept repeating "take me to NanaJi", "why so long", "why you not taking me to my NanaJi". Really, a small child I became.

Just before reaching, they somehow got me to eat 1 nugget. When we reached, I couldn't get out of the car. Hubby had to literally walk me there and then the moment we reached the porch and I looked in the hall and saw NanaJi lying on the bed, I just fell to the ground. Two aunts came to hubby's rescue as I lost it. From that point, I knew I lost it. They somehow carried / walked me to see NanaJi and that was it. 

I sat next to him right until it was time to shower. I kept talking to him. I kept looking at him. I kept holding him. I wouldn't let my eyes off him. Hubby had to give me a shower as I was a lost soul. I knew what was happening but I had no energy to register it in my brain. I was just all out going by my heart. Not thinking. Just feeling. All I knew was I wanted to be with him. I was asked to eat, I said no and the more someone said to go have my dinner, the more I cried. Hubby just didn't know what to do. Finally my mom said "look girl, until you don't eat, we are not going to eat". I ate a wee bit of rice and dhal and I was too full. I just requested to be taken back inside. Again, I sat next to him. I was told to sleep, I refused. Finally at 2.30am NanaJi's sister, whom I call an aunt as she's more like my mom's sister, said, "why don't you go up, and be with hubby and when he sleeps, you can come down". I told her, "promise me you won't leave NanaJi alone". She said "I promise". Hubby tried his best to make me close my eyes. Finally he said that I can go back downstairs if I closed my eyes and rest for a while. I must have dozed off on his chest, and by 3.15am I woke up. Told him I want to go and be with NanaJi. Kept saying please. What else was he suppose to do? He let me go. I went down and again did the same thing - sat right next to him. Didn't budge my ass. Then it came the time to shower. I told my aunt the same thing "Don't leave him alone". Then I told NanaJi "I go shower and come ok?". While waiting for the bathroom to vacant, I just rested for a while. Once I was done, I told my uncle who was up "I go down and be with NanaJi ok?". 

I took my juice because I knew I won't be eating. This was my last day with him. I was counting down the hours. I had cried so much that I no longer had tears. But I still couldn't find my voice because each time I tried to talk, I just cried like a child. Or rather I was whimpering. The moment I saw my brother and family walk in, I just couldn't hold myself. Before they took NanaJi into the herse, I had told hubby, that no matter what, I must say goodbye till the very last end. He knew there was no way in making me think otherwise. My aunt followed me, as I was already unable to walk on my own. Her son helped me into his car, and hubby rushed to grab a bottle of water and we went to the crematorium. It was probably not wise, but I wanted to see NanaJi. Before they lit the fire, I kissed & hugged him again and told my goodbye. I was losing it already. When the fire lit, I was taken a bit further behind, and if my memory serve me right, I was given some water and I don't quite recall what happened next. I knew I was being held by hubby and my aunt, and then my brother came to talk to me. But I was slipping away. From what I was told, it seems when they wanted to take me away, as we all have to go to the Gurdwara for prayers, I kept saying 1 minute more. My brother had to grab hold of me, and said "Ok, 1 minute". He took me nearer, and he kept talking to me about NanaJi being in a better place and about how NanaJi would be so unhappy to see how I am. My 1 minute took longer. Finally when he walked me away, I kept looking back at the fire. And then I was in the car & then in the Gurdwara. I have very vague memory of all this. I knew my lips were sealed. I didn't sing along any hymns. My SIL was next to me during the Ardaas and kept asking me if I was okay. I remember feeling weak and couldn't seem to stand straight. When it was all over, I told my SIL I just want to bow down again in front of the SGGSJi before we go out, and that's it. I lost balance. I was held. Asked to sit. It seems I was given water, some tea, and some sweet, but all didn't do me any good. Hubby was freaked out. I mean, we all knew I was gonna be hit bad, but even I didn't know it would be this bad. SIL's dad read some prayers & blessed me, SIL's bro tried talking to me, SIL's mom too, my brother, hubby... but I lost it. I don't remember any of these things. I even could tell my SIL the next day, I never saw her dad. Then she told me that he prayed and blessed me.

Somehow rather they brought me back home, and hubby and another cousin carried me into the hall. I just literally collapsed there. And then my cuz sis cleared the bed in the room where NanaJi used to rest, again hubby and the cousin took me in and I don't remember anything. I opened eyes a couple of times, and slipped back into whatever I was in. 

Later that night, hubby told me the whole story and I went like what? Really? I did that? That happened? 

Hmm I just noticed how many times I said I lost it, losing it, and then lost it again. So yes, it IS the hardest goodbye. But a necessary one.

6 comments:

  1. Hi dear. I'm really sorry to hear about your NanaJi. My sincerest condolonces go out to you & your family. Be strong! *Hugs*

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    1. Hi Ily, thank you so much! Hugs.

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  2. Dear TM, My condolence. stay strong... Take care.

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother last year and as sad as that made me feel, a huge part of me is relieved that she no longer has to suffer the problems of her ailing health anymore. I don't want her to go through that forever. She left peacefully in her sleep and I believe that that was as good and kind a passing as any. It's certainly okay to be sad but never forget to remember the good times of your NanaJi's life. To remember them fondly is the best love and respect you can have for your loved one.

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    1. Thank you dear. It is so true your ending words - To remember them fondly is the best love and respect you can have for your loved one.

      Until today I still wish he was here, but I also know that he is indeed in a better place.

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