Friday, April 18, 2014

Letting go

The doctor told me that I should learn to let go. If my mom says she can do it, let her do it. If she says she can handle it, let her handle it. I shouldn't try to be a hero and do everything for everyone. It is very hard for me to do so because it's not in me to just let it be. I know how weak my mom is, so I try to do everything for her. But yes, sometimes, or probably most times, it backfires. 

As we ventured into our little escapade, that very same day, my grandma got admitted. She has not been feeling too well lately and the day that her son decided to finally take her to the hospital to get her thoroughly checked, she was immediately admitted. When I got the news, we were about to walk out of the house - all ready to run some errands and head to Genting Highlands. It was a very difficult moment for me - to not just cancel our trip and run to the hospital and be with her. 

Yes, I am closer to my NanaJi, but she was my mother too. She sang me lullabies at night. She pet me to sleep. She stayed up all night with NanaJi when I was sick. She did everything that a mom would do for her daughter. 
Modified image. Source: Google
I remained strong. It wasn't critical. They just had to put drips as her sodium level had plunged down and also to check her for TB. I kept telling myself it's ok to not be there. But then waves of regret seeped in me as I recalled back if only I had gone back to my hometown to visit NanaJi instead of going for a weekend holiday in January. I felt my heart was being ripped. I somehow calmed myself down, and told myself that my relationship with my husband is equally important. In fact, more important. As it is for him to get leave approved is always a huge struggle. Last year, almost 10 to 12 days of leave burnt. Yes, there is a difference when you work for a company and you work for the owner. Sigh. And so we left for Genting. But on our way back, I was made to feel guilty for not cancelling our trip. I am not sure if my mom realizes how she speaks to me, or she's just too used to me being there all the time for them, but she really made me feel bad. worse still is my uncle. 

Anyway, as I sit here in a secluded resort in Johor and typing this out, NaniJi is much better today. Her appetite is also back. She herself told me she feels so much better compared to the few days before. Thank God. 

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