Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Trying to Conceive

As the year comes to an end, it also marks 1 year since our journey of TTC started.
We have done all the tests that we have been asked to do. We have been to a few different hospitals which in turn means, we have seen few different doctors.
The verdict: Nothing is seriously wrong with either of us.
The solution: 1 specialist just said to my face without hesitating: "Well, what else - IVF!"  To him, being 30 years old, we shouldn't wait any longer.

When I heard that, I was upset and angry.

That was in April.

Thereafter, we still continued to try. We went to a couple of other specialists, and to date, no good news.

It has indeed been a roller coaster ride.

At the beginning of the year, I was very emotional and hopeful.

By second half of the year, I came to a point where I just "gave up" on hoping and decided to just be happy.
I couldn't see my husband trying to put up with my depression state every month. How he tried his very best at every juncture of the day to make me smile and laugh. How he just let me cry, without trying to 'console' cuz at that time, I didn't want to hear any kind of consolation. May God bless him always. For only I know how much he has been there for me. No one can do what he did for me.

Despite being positive, and not even think about TTC, nothing materialized.

Our appointment with the reproductive specialist is in January, first week. In one of the general hospitals. I have postponed that appointment twice, as we decided that it's best we try for 1 year instead of jumping the gun. There is no way I can postpone again as the nurse has already warned me, if I do, I may not get any appointment in the first 6 months of next year.

I have no idea what to expect. Costs for IVF done in private hospitals are very pricey indeed. It can range from RM12,000 to RM20,000 for the first cycle. That is something we can't afford. So I am hoping that the cost in a general hospital would be way cheaper. But how cheap can it be?

If it''s no less than RM5,000 - I may not even want to go ahead with it.
We have lived with each other for 6 years 9 months... We are happy. Having a child will be a blessing. But to spend that much with no guarantee it will be a success the first round - I'm not willing to do so. Unless of course we strike a lottery!

I lived my life as a married woman for so many years killing that instinct of mine to be a mom. I allowed the instinct to come back into my life since we moved out from my MIL's. But hey, I am sure I can kill it again if need be. Though I know, it's going to be very difficult.

And no, if we can't have a child of our own - we'd rather not have one at all. As selfish as that may sound, but that's our decision.

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