Friday, July 27, 2012

Did you know?

  1. Did you know that IVF produced embryos are theoretically better than ICSI? I didn't. The reason is because in IVF, the egg and sperm chooses each other naturally. Whereas in ICSI, the best physically looking sperm is injected into the egg. So genetically it may not be the right match. 
  2. Did you know that hyper stimulation causes OHSS? Yes, this I did.
  3. Did you know that having too many eggs is actually dangerous? I didn't. I thought that having 18-25 eggs was awesomely great! The ideal is to have 10 eggs, and another 5 max would be a bonus!
  4. Did you know if you have OHSS, there are chances of developing cancer? Yes, this I did.
  5. Did you know that the hormones that you are injected with for IVF need to be monitored? I wasn't sure.
  6. Did you know there are two types of hormones available in the market? I didn't know.
  7. One is ancient and one is with the latest technology?
  8. Did you know that the ancient is better and it is actually derived from urine? Yes, recombinant FSH and the ancient FSH. This I didn't know either.
  9. Did you know that you have to get blood tests done for Hepatitis, HIV, Rubella, and several others that I can't remember right now before you start the IVF process? Both you and your husband have to be tested. Nope, had no idea.
  10. Did you know there are 4 factors that causes infertility? 1. Egg factor 2. Tube factor 3. Male factor 4. Unknown factor.
  11. Did you know that you can try all the procedures except IVF/ICSI for preferably 6 times max?
  12. Did you know that you can try IVF/ICSI preferably 3 times max in a lifetime?
  13. Did you know that if you have 10 healthy eggs and enough sperm count, you can opt to have 5 eggs for IVF, and another 5 for ICSI? I didn't know this. 
The above are some of the knowledge we gained yesterday when we met the reproductive specialist. We are really lucky that our OBGYN was awesome, and now this specialist is also equally great. He explained everything in detail. What are our options, issues, chances. We were also lucky that our OBGYN had requested for this doctor to be in with him during my laparascopic surgery. This is so that he would be aware of my case.

The initial cost is going to be +/- RM13,000.00. This is not inclusive of blood tests from time to time. But it's inclusive of everything else (doctor's fee, scans, injections) from A to Z. If we are lucky and we have about 10 embryos, then we can freeze 8 of it and try again if the first attempt fails. And for trying again, they just have to monitor my hormone surge for the right time for the embryo transfer, and no injections are needed. Of course, the cost to freeze is not included.

We basically need to keep aside RM15,000 - RM18,000k for this. 

I have made up my mind. But let's wait and see what hubby has in mind. We have not discussed about it. He said we will during the weekend. So let's hope we come to a mutual decision. 

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up."  - Anne Lamott 

Well, at least there is hope, for now. Even if it fails, I can say, we have tried

Suddenly recalled this poem I wrote here:

Wanting, hoping, waiting and praying,
To have a little one to call our own;
Getting tired of trying and failing,
And not forgetting the feeling of being incomplete & alone.

*I just don't pray anymore.

All images courtesy of Google Images

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


Just when I thought all was falling in place...
Stupid me.

"...All I know time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal, didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window..."
"....Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter..."

Friday, July 20, 2012

Eco Brown Rice vs Taj Mahal (White) Rice

My boss told me that she read a research stating that basmati rice was better than brown. And yesterday, I decided to compare these two: 

Now one would automatically assume that brown rice is definitely better. Nope. You are wrong. Taj Mahal Rice is better. Here's the comparison between Eco Brown Rice and Taj Mahal. (Please see 100g on Taj Mahal's nutrition information).

The calories for 100g of Taj Mahal rice is only 175, compared to the brown rice, which is 372! Yes, the brown rice has other vitamins in it, but we are already taking daily supplements, so this is not a factor for us. Compare the carbohydrate and total fat too. No wonder Faiza (the company) claims that Taj Mahal is suitable for diabetes and hypertension patients. Also it's okay to eat this rice if one is watching their weight. Well, don't go having 2 full plates of rice lah! 

I am very happy to note that the white rice I have been using ever since I started cooking turned out to be really that good. Thanks to my Mom who had been using this too!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Are we ready?

I read the latest post by Ily and it's a good question she asked - whether she and her husband are ready to go through fertility treatment - a step further than IUI. 

We have tried a cycle with Clomid & HCG without IUI, and then followed by the same meds but with IUIs. 3 times that is. All failed.Why is it so hard for some to get pregnant? Why is it so easy for others? Everywhere I turn, someone somehow is pregnant. Either by choice, or by accident. But the point is, they are pregnant. And no, I am not jealous or upset. In fact, I am very happy to see someone with a pregnant belly. Does God love her more and trust her more than He does with me to bring a life into this world? Well, I don't blame Him if He does, since I had lost my faith long ago and I am still learning to gain it back.

Anyway, all questions aside. Are we ready? Are we ready to plunge into it? ICSI will be a better option for us, per the gynea's say. Are we ready to spend anything between RM10,000.00 - RM20,000.00 just for a glimpse of hope of having a child we call our own? That's a lot of money. Yes, I just had to add the zero's to the dot. We don't have a saving where we could just dig in from. It's going to be a loan. And loans don't come cheap. Are we ready for all the appointments on specific day cycle? Are we ready for all the injections that I would have to administer daily? Are we ready for my hormonal change that can go crazy? As it is, with Clomid and HCG alone, I have gone crazy. Are we ready for my body to change? Hormonal changes = body changes = putting on weight = low self esteem = a lot of negativity. Are we ready to take that next step? 

Are WE ready for real? 

Honestly, I don't know. Especially after this episode that happened to me. I don't know anymore. Is my husband ready? I got to ask him. I used to be able to speak on behalf of us on this, but I just don't know right now. 
All images in this post is courtesy of Google Images


I know that I do not want to regret one day looking back and say "We should have tried IVF or ICSI". If after ICSI we still fail (hopefully God will forbid), I won't have any regrets. 

Oh, and I would definitely get a Chihuahua.
And continue to work to pay off the loan! Ouch!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Yoghurt anyone?

There's a lot of hype now with frozen yoghurt. Many brands are flourishing away like mushrooms. Moo Cow, Tutti Frutti, Snogurt to name a few.  

I have tried Tutti Frutti once. But I would rather not spend that much money on a frozen yoghurt. I mean, it's yoghurt for crying out loud! I make plain yoghurt everyday at home. If I wanna have frozen yoghurt with flavoring & topping, I can do that too.

Here's how to make plain yoghurt at home. There are two types of consistency - thick and yummy like ice cream, or thin and a little bit watery - can be used as salad dressings or even to make a yoghurt drink a.k.a lassi.

First off, you will need a starter. Get a starter that is plain, no added flavorings and sugar. Even though Nestle has their version of plain yoghurt, it is still sweet. This is the best plain yoghurt available in the market so far: 
Measurement is approximate. I never measure anything to the detail. 
 Step 1:
Add 1 tablespoon of starter into the mixing container.

Step 2:
Add 6 spoons of powder milk of your choice

Step 3: 
Mix thoroughly with luke warm water. Please note the water has to be warm. 
Not room temperate and not too hot.

For thin & watery yoghurt
For thin & watery yoghurt
 Step 4:
To get thin & watery yoghurt, add half of the milk mixture into a tupperwear, 
and fill it up with luke warm water. Please mix with a spoon before covering it. 
To get a thick & ice cream like yoghurt, just add the milk mixture into a tupperwear and cover it.

The two smaller tupperwears are for thick & ice cream like yoghurt

Step 5:
Store in a warm, dark place. I prefer to store it in my oven, overnight. I usually make the yoghurt around after dinner, and next morning, just take it out from the oven and keep in the fridge. Done.

The results:

Thin consistency
Thick consistency

Frozen yoghurt? Freeze it in fancy popsicle! Add topping and/or sugar and/or flavorings as desired.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Affair & Infidelity

An affair is a sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment between two people. Infidelity can be physical intimacy and/or emotional intimacy. - Wikipedia
Courtesy of Google Images

Tell me, if you are married that is, have you committed infidelity and perhaps you have had an affair? Ohh no, hold on to your horses, I have never committed infidelity nor have I ever had an affair. When I was single and no so available, yes, I have.

Hubby and I had a mutual understanding when we got married. Because of our wild personality that we each had, we stopped all communications with the opposite sex. Yes, we did. Of course it didn't happen instantly, but gradually, within a year we successfully detached ourselves. I am sure in the process we would have pissed off a lot of people, but it was for our future. If we had not done that, we would have definitely not been married till today. We would have constantly be fighting over 'friends' of the opposite sex. Need I mention again, "wild personality". 

Courtesy of Google Images
I think that if anyone ever wants to have an affair, then end the current relationship and start your affairs or infidelity, for that matter. Some say that it's because they are not happy in their relationship, that's why they do it. Some say, it's because they don't get enough attention, enough love, enough respect, enough anything. Then my question is "Why the hell are you still in the fucking relationship?" It's all excuses. 

If ever I find out my husband has an emotional intimacy with another woman, I would end the relationship immediately, with no questions asked. Brutal? If he can commit to infidelity (physical or not), then I have the right to end it as well. I would not ask for any explanation. In a blink of an eye, I would end it.

It's very easy for a man or woman to go astray. But it takes a lot to be truly faithful to one, no matter what your relationship may be going through. Whether it's financially strained, trying to conceive, lost of passion, no sex drive, you name it....  the couple who can still be faithful to one another despite anything, is really something!

Our Bond - May it forever remain strong.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Online Services

I renewed our car insurance and road tax yesterday, via MyEG. I have done it before as well, but didn't pay attention to its efficiency. I did everything online yesterday morning, before 9.30am. To my amazement, I received the road tax yesterday evening itself! Nope, I didn't pay for express delivery. 

It's seriously as easy as A B C! I never knew it would be that good. I mean the standard for Malaysian web services aren't that great, but this surely is! Just register, have all your details ready, and in 10 minutes you are done.

Another must applaud about website is the Inland Revenue's. It's a government website. Government. Who would have thought that Malaysia would have an efficient government website for all Malaysian to submit their income tax online? I was done in less than an hour. It took me long because I had to find some information here and there. But I presume if you have all the info you need on hand, you will spend lesser time to submit. 

I am sure other fast paced countries' citizens have enjoyed these experiences a very long time ago. But it's never too late eh?

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Appearance/Weight DOES matter

Something happened over the past two weeks and I have realized, that appearance/weight DOES matter. Having changed from a tomboy, to a woman who is beginning to take care of herself, isn't enough. Yes, I have 90% hairless legs all the time now. Yes, I take longer in washing my hair, now followed by conditioner and then topped off with a really good hair oil by Schwarzkopf. I do my nails almost every week. On my own, that is. I take pride in how I look especially when I step out of the house. Even if it's just to the shop nearby. I dress up everyday to work. No, I mean "dress up". No more uncombed hair, sluggish outlook, no make up on, etc etc. BUT all this isn't enough. I am not the typical woman who don't do any work at home. I am the total opposite. I am a full time housewife, and a full time working woman. YET, it isn't enough!

So yes, I was upset, disappointed to the point that I had a shield built around me automatically - which used to happen a lot when I was single and wild. Yes, I could have taken it positively, but at that moment, I couldn't. Many findings began to unfold, and to know that the root was all about
appearance/weight, was really hurtful. Whatever self-esteem I had was crushed to the ground, buried deep within. It came to a point where I questioned myself if I really want to have a child. Because as it is to have one is a struggle. I have been on hormone tablets, hormone shots, chemical pregnancies and what not. All this have caused me to put on weight. No, you idiot (not you, if you didn't judge), I am not finding an excuse. Imagine, my body prepares itself for a pregnancy, and ends up having a chemical pregnancy. What changes, hormonally, you think goes through my body? Having blood with high insulin levels doesn't help either.

It took me almost a week plus to move on. It wasn't easy. This time, this topic really hurt me to the core. I am the kind who move on from any arguments, fights etc in a split second. Because I believe, what's been said, has been said. We just move on from there, improve where we must. Well, sometimes I am not very consistent in my improvement, I admit. 

So yes, appearance/weight does matter. Never in my wildest dream would I have imagined that this would be true and especially coming from someone who matter to me. Long ago, I was a 32' 24' 36. I guess I gotta get that back huh?

Personally, I still can't accept it. What good would
appearance or being lean do if I was a total bitch?

Friday, July 6, 2012

A friend

What is a friend? I believe a friend is an individual who not only you share your downs with, but also your ups. A friend is someone you don't have to be calling them everyday and yet, when you do, you both catch up from where you left off. A friend is someone who not only speaks about themselves, but has time to hear you out as well. A friend is someone you can cry openly with, and also laugh your head off together. A friend is the second best thing after your partner, your companion in life. A friend should be someone who accepts you, the way you are. Doesn't judge you. Do we need friends, the whole lot of them? For me, NO. I only have a handful of people who I call friends. And it's more than enough for me. When I say handful, I really do mean handful. Call me a loser, but I don't need more than what I have. I have a few besties. All of them are close to me in their own way. 

First off, this bestie where we share a sisterly friendship with each other. Our husbands tease us at times. Don't start getting weird ideas! But I know that she will be there for me and my husband if ever we need her to be. And vice versa. How we are there for each other might not be the same, but the bottom line is, we will be. We do argue, we tell each other off, we laugh together, we cry and the list goes on. And the best part, we got to know each other through our mothers. And she knew my hubby in college days! Small world eh?

Then I also have a bestie whom I hardly meet or chat with. But when we do, it's like we get right back on track. We update each other on what's been happening, share whatever we want to. She is now a mom, and as a friend, I have accepted that her priorities have changed. But when we can have the chance, we try not to miss it. I got to know her when she was my leader in one of my career phases. We share a very matured, understanding friendship. I can talk to her on just about anything, and she always tells me the right things at that moment when I really need good advice. 

Another friend is an online friend. Yes, online friend. Yes, I haven't met her, yet. But we share a few things in common, and we just hit it off. We started emailing each other and our emails can be very very long. It all started from me reading her blog. Sometimes I just feel like penning down my ramblings to someone, I'd write to her. She's been a great friend. A friend who hasn't met me, but yet, was and is with me throughout my ups and downs of my TTC journey. 

Oh, I made a new friend. She is just a mirror image of me and my experiences. She's this carefree, blunt, crazy, bubbly, cool woman! She is hubby's colleague's wife. The initial meeting was just hi, hello & that's it. BUT, the moment we got to talking, we couldn't stop! Yeap. We ourselves couldn't believe it. Our husbands were shocked, if I can say that. It's amazing that you can find someone who is exactly like you, have had and is having the exact same experiences, and is like you - oh wait, I mentioned that already didn't I?! Even as a couple, we have way too many similarities. So we really got to connect with each other. And thanks to us, the hubbies who have never been this close in those few years of being in the same company, actually have gotten to know each other better.

Now, I had another friend. BUT she ended our friendship on very childish grounds. I did all I can in my ability to contact her, but she just ignored me. And to know she could do that in a blink of an eye made me realize, there are some friends who are best to let go. It's hurtful. Years and years of friendship, ended just like that. It took me a while to get over it. I still do think of her but I have no ill feelings, instead, just hope that she is happy.

In the beginning, I mentioned a handful... What I have isn't even a handful! :p 

I am so grateful to have these friends in my life. I share a very special bond with each one of them. I hope I can always be a good friend to them. Who is there in times of need more than in happy times. I think that's what matters most. I love them all!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

American Pie - Film Series

In the last few days, we have managed to watch all 4 of the American Pie movies.  Yeah, it was just spur of the moment when hubby asked, “Hey, wanna watch American Pie?” I said, "Yeah, why not?". We got the first three movies - American Pie, American Pie 2, American Wedding.

One would think that how could they possibly come up with this many sequels and still keep it interesting. Oh trust me, the guyz who came up with this movie are geniuses. To be able to keep the content fresh and exciting throughout, it takes a lot of work! 

Yes, it’s all about teenagers, and their sex craze, but it’s all very tactfully scripted. American Pie revolves around when these kids were in high school. And they are just dying to lose their virginity. American Pie 2 is when these kids were in college. American Wedding, well the name says it all – it’s when they get married.
The characters are the same, except for in American Wedding, some of them weren’t there. But it makes a whole lot of difference when the characters remain unchanged. You get to see them evolve. 

When we finished seeing all three, just nice timing hubby got the info that American Reunion was also out on Blu Ray. Yeap, he went after work and got it, and we watched it. Same characters again – and those who were not in the American Wedding, were back.  You get to connect with the characters because it makes you feel that you have gone through all that, and right now, you are at the American Reunion phase. You see the characters grow up and mature (well, kind of). 

Anyway, it’s a great watch and I give it a thumbs up for a comedy genre to have this many sequels that didn’t bore the living hell out of us instead made us laugh out loud a lot!  

Storyline: 7/10. More of a popcorn movie.
Actors: 6.5/10
Soundtrack: 5/10
Would I watch it again: Yes. I am confident it would still make me laugh.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Forgetting all good things

From The Secret Daily Teachings
It is so important that you are grateful for everything in your life. Many people focus on the one thing they want and then forget to be grateful for all the things they have. Without gratitude you cannot achieve anything through the law of attraction, because if you are not emanating gratitude from your being, then by default you are emanating ungratefulness. Be proactive and use the frequency of your being to receive what you want.

I received the above in my email and it got me to think.

So true isn’t it? I want a child so much that I choose to forget all the good things HE has provided us with. I choose to forget HIS blessings throughout my whole life. I choose to forget the amazing relationship my husband and I have even without a child in the picture. Yes, I choose to forget. Maybe it’s out of hurt & frustration. Whatever it is, it’s wrong.

Even hubby has told me many times, especially when we have an argument. I choose to remember what was said in the argument or that one issue, instead of calming myself down and looking back at all the good things. I get so caught up in the moment of the negativity.

Bad, bad, bad!

Question to self:
What about you? Do you look at that one door for so long & hoping with all your energy for it to open, that you are oblivious to the windows opening for you? You get suffocated hoping for the door to open so you can breathe in air but all you actually need to do is look out the windows and breathe in the fresh air… 

Note to self:
All images courtesy of Google Images

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Journey

Some of you might be wondering, what happened to the TTC topic? Well, since we decided to take a break for one cycle after the surgery, this month's cycle will mark the beginning of our 2nd phase journey. I am not too sure will we try IUI's again or immediately to ICSI (Oh, did you know that ICSI is pronounced as pronounced "eeksee" or "icksy"?). 

It all depends when we meet the reproductive specialist on my Day 2. So the journey continues.

On another note, I've realized how strong my hubby has been in this. He has not even once shown me that he is upset about this whole not being blessed with a child situation. But recently, he opened up and it isn't only me who questioned, he too deep down asks himself - why? Why when all we want is to have a family - why can't we be blessed with one?

It's very hurting. 

I believe only those who are going through this journey would understand. Sometimes even family & friends never do. So to all my TTC'ians out there, thank you for sharing your experiences, and thank you for understanding. Sometimes the support you get from the online community is far greater because they are going through the same situation. 

Google Images

Monday, July 2, 2012

Biotherm vs. Clinique

I was introduced to Biotherm by my SIL. I used to use many different brands, most of them off the shelf. Then I tried Biotherm’s facial cleanser. Loved it! Love the fact that it had microbeads. It did not make my skin dry after rinsing. It felt smooth and lighter. Perhaps it’s the magic of those microbeads. And the best part is, you only need a tiny bit and it lathers up really well.

When my first tube finished, I was tempted to try Clinique. It was a mistake. I didn’t like it at all. It was no different than the off the shelf brands. My skin didn’t dry up either after rinsing but the feel of what I get from using Biotherm’s cleanser, was not gotten from using Clinique’s cleanser. 

Also, I realized that Biotherm made my skin improve, whereas Clinique made no difference.  Price wise it’s almost the same. 

This time I am trying their toner as well. Thanks to the professional customer service, Mei Yan (from Metrojaya MidValley outlet), I got a sample each of their serum and night cream. Now why did I say professional? Because she remembers me and I only went to that outlet once before somewhere last year. 

On another note, hubby also bought the cleanser for Men. Will review it once he uses it for a few months. He also got a moisturizer sample. Since he isn’t into toning and moisturizing, Mei Yan suggested he tries the sample first.

Biotherm vs. Clinique? For me, Biotherm is the winner!


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