Thursday, January 24, 2013

Turning 32

Yeap, there... I said my age. What's the dealio with women who don't wanna say their age? I can never understand. Anyway, my birthday was 5 days before "the news"

Last year, I felt so disappointed because every year without fail I go out of my way to ensure hubby's birthday is special. We not necessarily spend lavishly on gifts etc, but make it special by either having a holiday, buying little gifts that he could use daily, going out to nice dinner, etc.. 

And yes, usually even for my own birthday, I will be the one planning a getaway. Last year, I didn't. And guess what? Hubby didn't too. He didn't even take leave, nothing. Yeah, I am still a woman - I felt it. Plus there was this low self esteem issue going on with me. So it hit me hard. He did try to make it a nice evening, but I wasn't already in the mood for anything.

Anyway, towards the second half of the year I started telling him that he better make it up to me. This was before we started IVF. Then with all the injections etc, I forgot about it. Just before my birthday I told him, I sure hope he hasn't booked anything since I am house bound till the 15th. He says he hasn't and to leave it to him and not to ask again. 

Well well well, someone surely did some booking yesterday! I do not know where we are going. But I am definitely looking forward to it. For the first time in history, someone has done all the planning! Woohoo. I just have to sit back and enjoy the ride! I do not have any expectations, as long as we are going for a getaway, I am happy. I think we both need to recuperate and rejuvenate ourselves.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

What would we do differently?

If we ever do try IVF/ICSI again, there is one thing we would do differently.

Not inform anyone. 

Yeap. First of all, there is pressure, from parents esp. They are overly concern. Which is because they love us, but then, it can get a bit too much that it ends up in pressure.

Some truly understand so they know what to say to you. They even give you the space because they respect the fact that you need to do this alone, with your husband. But some who don't - just tell you stuff that it's the last things you want to hear.

I know that they are all very concerned, sad and what not. But it has happened to us. We were hit the worst. So please, spare us.

My SIL said something about me that I realized is true. When I am upset, I will be upset. Plus this was the worst news we ever got. So yes, I will be. But I will also pull myself together and come out strong. 

It's Day 7 (21st Jan) as I write this, and I am fine.  I am proud of my progress and so is hubby!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

What did we learn..

Those who have gone through IVF/ICSI for the first time, those who couldn't afford, yet found a way, those who gave their all, and at the end got a negative - would understand that this journey IS the highest roller coaster ride ever. Get ready to be whacked upside down emotionally, mentally and physically.

Did we learn anything? Yes. We learnt why I suffer monthly during my periods. I have something called adenomyosis. It's a relation of endometriosis. Yeah, never was it diagnosed earlier - not even during the laparoscopy.

We learnt how my body responses to these drugs. I know that I didn't have much menopausal symptoms. Just a wee bit here and there. I didn't gain weight. My ovaries responded slow. But still ended up having 7 eggs. Not too sure on hubby's sperm analysis as we haven't met up with the doctor yet. But we did get two embies out of the whole thing. 

I never knew I was addicted to coffee until I made myself stop completely esp after the egg retrieval. 

I learnt that I have family and friends who would do just about anything to see us get back to our feet. Friends who we don't even know. Friends who only know us through my blog. Just to see a smile even for a second - as a friend wrote on a card. I learnt that my brother actually can have a conversation with me. And not just that, he made me laugh.

We learnt that no matter how hard we may try at something, HE has the final say. We just have to accept what's written for us. And to accept, we have to ask Him to give us the strength. So no matter what life throws you, don't be angry at Him. You still need Him to help you pull through it all.

I learnt that not having anger in me has made me recover better. I've not made it harder on my husband because if I was angry, I would be bitter from inside, and it would have shown on the outside.

I learnt that sometimes you got to grief on your own. Only then you get to truly move on. I learnt that by not speaking or meeting anyone for a couple of days made me dwell in my sorrows and when I was done, I had the energy to confront the topic. 

I learnt that my husband despite being hurt himself, made himself so strong, just so that he can pick me up and make me feel calm and safe in his arms. For that I thank God. It's going to be 8 years soon, and only we know what we have gone through, and for him to still stand by me so strong, is just beyond description.

I am still blessed.

Monday, January 21, 2013

What has it been like since "the news"

It's been 7 days since 'the news'. What has it been like? You know, if you Google stages of grief, you would know about the Kubler-Ross model - 5 stages of grief. I skipped a couple (so far). Well, let's see:

On the 15th, at 1pm onwards, I cried and wailed in hubby's arms. And when I could speak, I asked him "we are okay right, if it's just the two of us?". I must have repeated that question a few times and go back to crying again. I know that this was not a 100% thing, but you know I was hoping against hope that we at least will have one baby that we could call our own. Just one healthy baby. 

About an hour later, I just sent a mass text to those who were anxiously waiting for the results hoping to jump with joy - negative. One word. That's it. Many asked if they could call, and our parents also asked if they could come over - but I replied no. I only wanted to be with my husband. Because as much as I was hurting, he was too. He shed tears too. But yet, for me, he was strong. It is only because of him, I was not broken into tiny pieces.

I then decided towards the night that I would have to speak to our family. I thought I was already calm. But the moment I said hello, I broke down.

The next day, hubby had to go to work, as he was already on 2 days medical leave as he developed a high fever a day before the news. Probably from being nervous and anxious. My mom said she wants to come over, but I told her not to. What I did? The whole day I just sat on the sofa - with the TV on, staring at it. My friend asked me how I truly felt. This is what I wrote to her:

"I feel like I failed. I feel like I'm not a complete woman. I feel overwhelmed with this love that I so wanted to give our little miracle/s. Who would grow in me. Who would one day call me mommy.

I feel like something died in me. Because we know there were two. We saw them - little tiny dots. 
I was looking forward to gain weight, have a big belly."
Day 3: I was numb. My mom came over, I had no reaction to the news. Nothing. I felt upset off and on, but perhaps I was too hurt to have a reaction. 
Day 4: The physical torture started. I had to bleed it all out. Lied in bed the whole day. Popped panadols, as ponstan might have interfered with the flow. Took some gastric meds to try to decrease the cramps. But guess what? There was no flow. No clots. Just stains, and horrible pain. Yes, really horrible. A friend, who has had a miscarriage before, did tell me, it will be very painful, and when it comes, sit on the toilet bowl, the clots will come out. But there was nothing for me the whole day, except for pain. Only at night, when I wanted to pee, a bit of clots came out.

Day 5: Decided to go for a massage. Helped a little. The weirdest clots came out. But it wasn't over. I did feel a bit better, but then the next day, I was back to square one. Now if you're wondering why - it's because I generally do suffer every month, and the hormones I was on to thicken the uterus lining to prepare for implantation and pregnancy. I was not on one, but three hormone supplements at one go! I browsed online to see if this was normal - the pain - yes. Someone online even mentioned "as if getting a negative isn't bad enough, nice way of putting salt to the wound."

Day 6: As mentioned, square one. Towards the late late night, it calmed down. I just feel super sore at the lower tummy area. Yes, we will be seeing the doctor once it's over. I want to get a scan done. I don't want to have any left over in my uterus, so to speak. 
I am writing this on Day 7 at  2.43am. Yeap, can't sleep. Oh, also, I have no appetite. I feel full all the time. No headaches. On Day 4, my body felt like errr run over by a train? Not that I know how that feels, but figuratively. Duh!
Hubby is the reason I am not in depression today. I am also not angry at Him. I made that mistake once before, and it took me a while to start talking to Him. Will not make that mistake again. I do question - why? Why He gives to those who throw and kill, but takes away hope from those who want so badly? But then I brush it off. 
Till my next post, thank you all, yes, you - for reading, for your support, well wishes and encouragement. Thank YOU.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

What have I been up to.....

I was going to start my new contract on 19th Dec, but when the Doc told us on our 7th Appt, that from then on, we would have to see him almost every day, and also after the embryo transfer, I would be on 17 days medical leave, I was in a dilemma. Nak tak nak, we chose that I should be home bound - no driving, no walking about too much, and most of all, no stress & no logistic issues.

So, after discussing with hubby, we decided that it's best if I defer my contract to after everything has settled and to only start on 1st Feb 2013. My bestie immediately said no problem to picking me up from home, and driving me to the office and waited for me and sent me back home. I spoke to my HR manager, and all was good. It's a win win - I won't be starting my contract with tons of medical leave (mind you, it's not hospitalization leave) which means they don't have to pay me at all and I won't be having any work stress.

It's not easy to cope with only hubby's salary for almost two months, but like what hubby told me - we are already in this - let's give it our all

So what have I been doing you may ask. Nothing much actually. Days are just passing by, sometimes slowly, sometimes real quick. Before 1st Jan, I was busy clearing the home - everything from the spare room, our room, kitchen. After 1st Jan, it's been bed rest mostly. Only during the weekend I went out in the car - one to the clinic, and the other to my mom & bestie's home.

To summarize, like what a bestie reminded me - Eat, Pray, Love
How I do it is:

Eat only home cooked meals - healthy
Pray & talk to HIM daily & sincerely
Love even the little things, like sipping on hot low fat milk and not coffee!

Sunday, January 6, 2013

IVF - Total cost to date

I was going to create an excel and detail out each payment but I gave up half way. So I just totalled all the receipts from the start of IVF consultation right up to this date. Ready? The total is RM16,589.00. This is not including some receipts that have been misplaced. And it's not including the beta HcG test that will be done this 15th Jan. 

Friday, January 4, 2013

Embryo Transfer

Our embryo transfer was on New Year's day. Yeap yeap - 1st Jan 2013. We were to be at KL Fertility Centre by 8.45am. Before heading there, we decided to visit HIS home first. Although it was only for 10 minutes, it felt really good. Then we rushed to the centre and was there right on the dot at 8.45am! 

We were greeted and then were taken to a changing room. Hubby had to wear what I call "the doctor's attire" over his clothes and a cap. As for me, I of course had to strip everything and change to the gown & also to wear a cap. 

We were then taken to the procedure room. I was asked to lie down, and the nurses did an ultrasound to see if my bladder was full enough. My bladder was too full till like going to explode! After a couple of minutes, the doctor came. He was glad to see that I was my cheerful self again. You see, just the day before, we got to know that out of the 7 eggs, only 2 fertilized. So I was disappointed. And the doctor sensed that  through my text messages reply. 

Anyway, then the doctor told hubby to sit on a stool next to me and to see the screen. Once the doctor prepped me (just like the mock transfer), he then alerted the embryologist, who then brought our little embies in a syringe like thing. Then, our little embies were placed in my uterus. We could see the tiny white dots on the screen. Even this to us was an achievement. We have never gotten this close ever. Once all done, I was asked to lie down for 20 minutes before I was allowed to pee. We both were just in awe looking at the printout that was given to us. Of course I boldly asked the doctor, can we please have a printout? Hahah

Then once I pee'd, I was again asked to rest for another 30 minutes. Then we headed home. And since then up to last night, I have been lying down with my legs up, watching TV, sleeping. But today, I think that's enough. I can't take the attention I am getting as well. It's getting a bit annoying. Yes, my mum has been a gem coming and caring for me - cooking etc. But I am not used to it. Despite telling her not to come today, she still insist on coming over later to ensure I have my lunch and what not. Sigh. I appreciate it a lot, and sometimes I wonder, how can she just keep doing things for her loved ones? She drives all the way from her place to mine, which at times, the jam can be horrible. And immediately gets down to business. To top it off, she has my dad to go back to, who also needs her 100% attention. 

Anyway, the two week wait begins and it will end on 15th Jan. Let's hope that our little embryos will become our little miracle!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Dr. Eeson Sinthamoney; FMGC / Pantai KL

We first saw Dr Eeson when I was admitted for the laparoscopy surgery. I couldn't really say anything about him at that time since I wasn't really fully back to myself. Hubby on the other hand had the opportunity to meet him together with Dr Raman while I was in the recovery room after the surgery. 

We were given 6 months as a safe time frame to decide to go aboard the IVF roller coaster. In July, we made an appointment to see Dr Eeson for a consultation. Then in October, we decided to take the plunge under his wings. Mainly because he also had the qualities we look for in our doctor!

If you want a doctor who takes things easy, and is not too detailed on things, then don't bother seeing him. 

But on the other hand, if you are like us, or rather me mostly - who wants a doctor who is detailed, doesn't just tell you the good things, but also shares with you the not so good things, gives you details that you may get bored of hearing, repeats the important ones so that you remember, is always ready to answer any questions you have, and I really mean anything at all, never once for a second make you feel you are taking his time, never brushes you off - then Dr Eeson is the doctor I would recommend if you want to do IVF.

The doctor and me have one tiny thing in common - a little tiny bit of OCD in us. Hahaha 

I am someone who always read a lot. I like to get information. You see, I've always had an interest in medical stuff. Yes I know, too much info can be bad. But guess what? Since we started seeing Dr Eeson, I don't search for info so much now. I trust him that much, that I don't have to go searching on the world wide web for what's going on in any way - whether it's side effects, dosages, what happens each day of medications, long protocol, short protocol bla bla bla bla bla. I must admit, I did so much of research before starting this journey. My head had way too much info. 

He has an evening clinic at FMGC on Thursdays and of course, his daily clinic is at Pantai KL. Wait isn't very long either. Consultation charges are between RM90-RM120. Trust me, worth every single cent. 

Disclaimer: All comments & thoughts stated above regarding the doctor & the hospital are solely of my own. Hence, judge the doctor for yourself before blindly deciding. What you look for in a doctor is not the same with me. Make an appointment to see a doctor, go for it, have a chat, and then decide.


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