It's been 7 days since 'the news'. What has it been like? You know, if you Google stages of grief, you would know about the Kubler-Ross model - 5 stages of grief. I skipped a couple (so far). Well, let's see:
On the 15th, at 1pm onwards, I cried and wailed in hubby's arms. And when I could speak, I asked him "we are okay right, if it's just the two of us?". I must have repeated that question a few times and go back to crying again. I know that this was not a 100% thing, but you know I was hoping against hope that we at least will have one baby that we could call our own. Just one healthy baby.
About an hour later, I just sent a mass text to those who were anxiously waiting for the results hoping to jump with joy - negative. One word. That's it. Many asked if they could call, and our parents also asked if they could come over - but I replied no. I only wanted to be with my husband. Because as much as I was hurting, he was too. He shed tears too. But yet, for me, he was strong. It is only because of him, I was not broken into tiny pieces.
I then decided towards the night that I would have to speak to our family. I thought I was already calm. But the moment I said hello, I broke down.
The next day, hubby had to go to work, as he was already on 2 days medical leave as he developed a high fever a day before the news. Probably from being nervous and anxious. My mom said she wants to come over, but I told her not to. What I did? The whole day I just sat on the sofa - with the TV on, staring at it. My friend asked me how I truly felt. This is what I wrote to her:
"I feel like I failed. I feel like I'm not a complete woman. I feel overwhelmed with this love that I so wanted to give our little miracle/s. Who would grow in me. Who would one day call me mommy.
I feel like something died in me. Because we know there were two. We saw them - little tiny dots.
I was looking forward to gain weight, have a big belly."
Day 3: I was numb. My mom came over, I had no reaction to the news. Nothing. I felt upset off and on, but perhaps I was too hurt to have a reaction.
Day 4: The physical torture started. I had to bleed it all out. Lied in bed the whole day. Popped panadols, as ponstan might have interfered with the flow. Took some gastric meds to try to decrease the cramps. But guess what? There was no flow. No clots. Just stains, and horrible pain. Yes, really horrible. A friend, who has had a miscarriage before, did tell me, it will be very painful, and when it comes, sit on the toilet bowl, the clots will come out. But there was nothing for me the whole day, except for pain. Only at night, when I wanted to pee, a bit of clots came out.
Day 5: Decided to go for a massage. Helped a little. The weirdest clots came out. But it wasn't over. I did feel a bit better, but then the next day, I was back to square one. Now if you're wondering why - it's because I generally do suffer every month, and the hormones I was on to thicken the uterus lining to prepare for implantation and pregnancy. I was not on one, but three hormone supplements at one go! I browsed online to see if this was normal - the pain - yes. Someone online even mentioned "as if getting a negative isn't bad enough, nice way of putting salt to the wound."
Day 6: As mentioned, square one. Towards the late late night, it calmed down. I just feel super sore at the lower tummy area. Yes, we will be seeing the doctor once it's over. I want to get a scan done. I don't want to have any left over in my uterus, so to speak.
I am writing this on Day 7 at 2.43am. Yeap, can't sleep. Oh, also, I have no appetite. I feel full all the time. No headaches. On Day 4, my body felt like errr run over by a train? Not that I know how that feels, but figuratively. Duh!
Hubby is the reason I am not in depression today. I am also not angry at Him. I made that mistake once before, and it took me a while to start talking to Him. Will not make that mistake again. I do question - why? Why He gives to those who throw and kill, but takes away hope from those who want so badly? But then I brush it off.
Till my next post, thank you all, yes, you - for reading, for your support, well wishes and encouragement. Thank YOU.