Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I am alive!

I am alive. I think that should be good enough reason to smile, no? 
No, not for me. Perhaps now I wish I was long gone. Dead. No worries. No problems. No issues. No nothing. Just dead. I already feel like a walking dead person. So why not just die for real? 

Yes yes, that's my negativity speaking. Haha And no, I am not stupid enough yet to DIY.

I guess after all that's been happening, my body, my soul and my mind have finally given up. I realize I was becoming a bitter person, running deeper into a cocoon, refused to speak up, meet up, lost interest in everything and anything.

Ahh, 7th August I had my first cigarette. Did that help? Unfortunately, yes. I have been slipping in and out of depression. Why? I have been so strong to overcome everything that has been happening around me since Jan 2013, month after month - what happened suddenly? Ahh the answer is simple, one word - husband. 

In March I contemplated separation. And now I am so numb that I can't seem to rationalize anything with a straight head. I have forgotten to love myself to the extend, I have forgotten who am I. I have been on a robotic mode since Jan, and now my coping mechanism has gone kaput. 

So what's next? I wonder.

Ahh, probably I should find "myself".

Perhaps a holiday alone for once? Just me, the mrs?
Yeah, might do me good, right?

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