Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Exactly a week

My dearest and very much missed NanaJi, 

It's exactly a week today since you left us,
The void in my heart is still as painful and will never be filled,
People say time will heal, but can we heal from this deep sorrow and painful grief?

I wish I knew how to go on and find a way to be strong,
And fulfill your wish - that we all embrace life's sweet song;

Sometimes I think people don't understand,
Maybe it's true, they don't, because only we knew why our relationship was so grand;

I miss you NanaJi, so much that it hurts,
I try to put a brave front, but I can only hold back for so long the tears;

I love you NanaJi, I always will,
I know you are looking down upon me and loving me still.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

The HARDEST goodbye

NanaJi passed away on 21st, Tue. I got the news when I was with my mom at PCMC for her EEG test. I just got the call and a few seconds later, mom's name was called. We of course, just informed what happened and left immediately. I do not know how I dropped my mom home. I kept telling her, please be strong because I cannot be there for you. You have to take care of yourself. I was almost losing my voice, but I was still not crying out loud. The moment I left her, my tears just flowed like a river. My legs felt weak. I do not remember the journey back home. I do not know how I reached home. Probably NanaJi made sure I got home safe. Hubs was waiting outside for me. He too knew, this was the one thing that would break me into pieces. I will not be able to pick myself up. I parked the car, and just couldn't get out. He had to literally carry me into the home. I became a small child. I kept repeating "my NanaJi no more", "please take me to NanaJi, I want to see him". I cried and cried like there was no tomorrow. Next thing I know, I was wailing away. Hubs tried his best, but he knew, nothing is going to stop me. When I could breathe normally, he brought me to the room, and asked me what I want to take along. He packed my bag and I started talking to myself. I was slipping into the unknown. I held a photo of NanaJi and kept talking, crying, smiling, talking, crying. Hubby was of course getting very worried, but no matter what he did, I wouldn't come out of it.

When we finally left, an aunt (NanaJi's DIL) who was sitting at the back of the car, tried to console me. But I showed her NanaJi's photo and told her "do you know, my NanaJi went BabaJi (Lord) house?" I kept crying and crying non stop. Then came the part to get me to eat something as I had not had anything to eat since morning. The moment they gave me a nugget, I cried even louder. So they just decided to let it be for now. I kept repeating "take me to NanaJi", "why so long", "why you not taking me to my NanaJi". Really, a small child I became.

Just before reaching, they somehow got me to eat 1 nugget. When we reached, I couldn't get out of the car. Hubby had to literally walk me there and then the moment we reached the porch and I looked in the hall and saw NanaJi lying on the bed, I just fell to the ground. Two aunts came to hubby's rescue as I lost it. From that point, I knew I lost it. They somehow carried / walked me to see NanaJi and that was it. 

I sat next to him right until it was time to shower. I kept talking to him. I kept looking at him. I kept holding him. I wouldn't let my eyes off him. Hubby had to give me a shower as I was a lost soul. I knew what was happening but I had no energy to register it in my brain. I was just all out going by my heart. Not thinking. Just feeling. All I knew was I wanted to be with him. I was asked to eat, I said no and the more someone said to go have my dinner, the more I cried. Hubby just didn't know what to do. Finally my mom said "look girl, until you don't eat, we are not going to eat". I ate a wee bit of rice and dhal and I was too full. I just requested to be taken back inside. Again, I sat next to him. I was told to sleep, I refused. Finally at 2.30am NanaJi's sister, whom I call an aunt as she's more like my mom's sister, said, "why don't you go up, and be with hubby and when he sleeps, you can come down". I told her, "promise me you won't leave NanaJi alone". She said "I promise". Hubby tried his best to make me close my eyes. Finally he said that I can go back downstairs if I closed my eyes and rest for a while. I must have dozed off on his chest, and by 3.15am I woke up. Told him I want to go and be with NanaJi. Kept saying please. What else was he suppose to do? He let me go. I went down and again did the same thing - sat right next to him. Didn't budge my ass. Then it came the time to shower. I told my aunt the same thing "Don't leave him alone". Then I told NanaJi "I go shower and come ok?". While waiting for the bathroom to vacant, I just rested for a while. Once I was done, I told my uncle who was up "I go down and be with NanaJi ok?". 

I took my juice because I knew I won't be eating. This was my last day with him. I was counting down the hours. I had cried so much that I no longer had tears. But I still couldn't find my voice because each time I tried to talk, I just cried like a child. Or rather I was whimpering. The moment I saw my brother and family walk in, I just couldn't hold myself. Before they took NanaJi into the herse, I had told hubby, that no matter what, I must say goodbye till the very last end. He knew there was no way in making me think otherwise. My aunt followed me, as I was already unable to walk on my own. Her son helped me into his car, and hubby rushed to grab a bottle of water and we went to the crematorium. It was probably not wise, but I wanted to see NanaJi. Before they lit the fire, I kissed & hugged him again and told my goodbye. I was losing it already. When the fire lit, I was taken a bit further behind, and if my memory serve me right, I was given some water and I don't quite recall what happened next. I knew I was being held by hubby and my aunt, and then my brother came to talk to me. But I was slipping away. From what I was told, it seems when they wanted to take me away, as we all have to go to the Gurdwara for prayers, I kept saying 1 minute more. My brother had to grab hold of me, and said "Ok, 1 minute". He took me nearer, and he kept talking to me about NanaJi being in a better place and about how NanaJi would be so unhappy to see how I am. My 1 minute took longer. Finally when he walked me away, I kept looking back at the fire. And then I was in the car & then in the Gurdwara. I have very vague memory of all this. I knew my lips were sealed. I didn't sing along any hymns. My SIL was next to me during the Ardaas and kept asking me if I was okay. I remember feeling weak and couldn't seem to stand straight. When it was all over, I told my SIL I just want to bow down again in front of the SGGSJi before we go out, and that's it. I lost balance. I was held. Asked to sit. It seems I was given water, some tea, and some sweet, but all didn't do me any good. Hubby was freaked out. I mean, we all knew I was gonna be hit bad, but even I didn't know it would be this bad. SIL's dad read some prayers & blessed me, SIL's bro tried talking to me, SIL's mom too, my brother, hubby... but I lost it. I don't remember any of these things. I even could tell my SIL the next day, I never saw her dad. Then she told me that he prayed and blessed me.

Somehow rather they brought me back home, and hubby and another cousin carried me into the hall. I just literally collapsed there. And then my cuz sis cleared the bed in the room where NanaJi used to rest, again hubby and the cousin took me in and I don't remember anything. I opened eyes a couple of times, and slipped back into whatever I was in. 

Later that night, hubby told me the whole story and I went like what? Really? I did that? That happened? 

Hmm I just noticed how many times I said I lost it, losing it, and then lost it again. So yes, it IS the hardest goodbye. But a necessary one.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

All in under half an hour :) For real

Yeap yeap, the tagline from Rachael Ray's 30 min meals. But I am sure you notice that the dishes doesn't have to be done, the veges doesn't have to washed and of course, there are advertisements in between. But guess what? It is possible to make a meal in 30 minutes from start to end. Which means, washing the vege, chopping, cooking, and cleaning at the end. 

Here's a meal I made in under half an hour, with the dishes done and kitchen cleaned at the end of it :)

The ingredients
Put the pasta and green peas to boil
Bring to boil 1 packet of the above :)
Throw in all the ingredients into the mushroom "soup"
Once all the ingredients are cooked, add a can of tuna (optional)
Add the pasta in to the 'sauce'. Add seasoning as desired.
We usually add lots of black pepper. Mix everything, and you're done!
Serve with cheese or even without :)

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Quick and easy pancakes (and healthy too)

Hubby comes home this evening from gym and announces he thought of having pancakes. I said yeah, sure. By the time he was done with shower, I was almost done with the pancakes too.

Here's my recipe:

2 cups sifted aata flour
1 1/2 cups of low fat milk
1 egg
1 tablespoon of yoghurt
A dash of cinnamon powder
A pinch of salt
Sugar (Optional)

As for the oil, just dab some on a kitchen towel tissue and coat the non stick pan.

The result:

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Like & Win!

Ola! I am giving out these items for free:

All you got to do is "Like" this page, comment 'done' here, and you stand a chance to win something. Easy no? C'mon, it is easy okay :p  Winners will be chosen by a random generator on Jan 31st. Muchas Gracias!!

Friday, January 17, 2014

Modbox Review

Somewhere in September last year, I placed an order for some samples from ModBox. Why? Because it's only RM9, that's why! I mean you get to pick your own samples okay? I think this is what is unique about ModBox. 

Here's what I had picked: 

Product #1: Rescare - Aqua Peeling Body Exfoliating Spray

Product #2: Unico - Advanced UV Defense SPF50 PA+++

Product #3: Ronasutra - 2-in-1 Mineral Foundation & Powder, Choose Your Shade: 04 Honey

Obviously I expected all items to be miniature in size. I mean c'mon, it's RM9!BUT lo and behold, I was shocked when I unboxed it. 

The Aqua Peeling spray is not a miniature. It's the original size me think. 
You get a discount for each product sample that you purchased - if you decided to buy the full size. 
Please ignore the quality of the photos. It's bad. I know.

Anyway, give ModBox a try! It's really worth it. 

Click below to know more on  #PGBWeekend 

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Shortcut to losing weight

Well, it's definitely not the right way, but it helps curb my hunger pangs, and that's very important to me. I am about to reveal the "twist" as promised! 

I have heard many brands and medicines used for weight loss. I have even tried Xenical 120mg. But apart from taking out the oil in me, it didn't really help me to lose weight nor curb my hunger pangs. Doctor prescribed me Glucophage / Metformin 500mg, supposedly to curb my hunger, but that didn't help either. My cousin sister who is a doctor, explained that stress, and my hormones cortisol and norepinephrine is making me crave for food especially carbs and other comfort foods. 

Now this product that I am trying, I started it on Jan 4th, had a two day break on Jan 10th & 11th, and got back on it after our PD trip. I was 75.6kg on the morning of Day 1, and I am 71.4kg this morning. What does it do? It suppresses your hunger. For someone like me, that is almost impossible, but to my amazement, with this product, it's possible! Another thing to add is that the measurement of my flabby arms (which I call the chicken wing), has reduced from 13.4" to 11.5". Also, I can almost pull up my Levi's jeans right up to my waist but of course I can't buckle it yet. Before this, it wouldn't pass above the knee because it was bought when I was at my lowest weight after IVF/ICSI i.e. 61.7kg.

I take this product, which is a juice actually - once every morning between 6am to 7.30am. Let me give you an example, I took it this morning, been drinking lotsa water, I think up to this moment, would have been approximately 2.5 litres, and all I have eaten so far is Milo O with 2 tablespoons of oats. As I am typing this, it's 9pm and only now I am feeling a l'il hungry. And when I do eat, I ensure I eat healthy food. Preferably some vegetables, yogurt and probably a fruit.

If you search online, people do eat normal food and still they lose weight, but I am doing a 500 calorie diet at the same time. I know, crazy right? But hey, whatever helps no? I am not in starvation mode. Please remember that you should not go without food at all. Your body still needs some food. If I am hungry even at 1am, I wake up and have a slice of bread. Oh and also, every night, I drink hot milk, with cinnamon and honey (a tiny bit okay?). Since I have a sweet tooth, that solves the craving for something sweet. 

So, ready for the product reveal? 

Drum roll...........

Yeap yeap, I just had to take a photo with my 1.9L water bottle which we bought just before I started taking U-Trim (or also known as Ultra Trim). 

I need to add one more thing though, my waist is still the same. I guess that's the hardest part :( Or probably I just need to include some exercise in it eh?

Oh, on another note, wanna get a FREE sample of the NEW Estee Lauder #MicroEssence Skin Activating Treatment Lotion, exclusively created for Asian women? Just click on the photo below:

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Avillion, PD - not that great anymore.

I had written great reviews about Avillion herehere and here. But after two years, their room amenities and service isn't that great anymore. Two years ago we paid RM640 for 3 days 2 nights and we got good amenities and great service. 

But fast forward two years later, we paid RM474 for 1 night for just one bloody room with no complimentary drinks, no breakfast, no extended check out, amenities provided in the room were not as great as before. Everything has shrunk. They even made a mistake between body lotion and conditioner. 

Oh, and the best part is, the electricity tripped wee hours in the morning when we were still sleeping - it seems we were overloading. Huh? We had no aircond or fan on (cuz I was so cold for some weird reason), all their switches were off, not even the TV was on, the only thing we did was to charge our phone. Overload you say? Really? 

For what we pay, I will not go back to Avillion again. Even their staff services has gone a grade lower. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Birthday - 2014

I turned 33 on Jan 10th. How do I feel? Errmmm probably because we have no kid, it doesn't make much difference on the age. It feels like how it has always been. I am still alive and nothing has changed since the last day of my 32. 

Anyway, I was reluctant to go anywhere with the hubs because of his OCD, but he had already booked. I wasn't looking forward to it all and he knew it. Well, I made it very clear. It of course hurt him to know that for the first time in almost 9 years of marriage, I am not looking forward to any getaway. 

Well, on the 10th itself, we took a drive to PD. Stayed at Avillion, which I shall  blog about later. Ain't going there again for sure. I did  nothing the whole day. Not even swim. Towards the evening, I finally broke down. Had a heart to heart talk with him. We enjoyed seafood dinner later on. Packed our bags the next day, and we checked out two hours earlier than the check out time. That was a first! 

Oh, he also bought us a slice of cake each from Starbucks & he actually lit a candle on mine. I was laughing all the way cuz I've not blown a candle for my birthday for a long time. I think the last was when we were at my brother's place, and they had got me a cake. Ahhh memories! 

The night before he asked me whether I'd like to extend another day of stay. We discussed and finally I said no, not worth it. I'd rather go back today and he too agreed that he would have a Sunday to just relax. The only thing I asked him is if we could take a drive to Mantin as I wanted us both to go to the Gurdwara there. That shall be in another post. 

So there goes, I am 33 years and 4 days old as I type this. A year older, a year closer to death.

Monday, January 13, 2014


There are millions type of OCD out there. The one that I am dealing with is hubby's HIV OCD. You know how we are ignorant towards certain things up and until it hits us? Well yeah, I never knew there was such a thing as HIV OCD. I knew generally about OCD, but didn't know there were so many types of OCD. 

Sometime back, I wrote about he being diagnosed with a delusional disorder. Well well well, it wasn't a delusional disorder. It was OCD. All the things he did, was all OCD in action. Thank God he found a psychiatrist who knew what he was talking about. This doctor at the first session itself told us point blank - what you have is HIV OCD, and you are already in Stage Two (out of three). 

Now what happens when they slip into stage 3 and beyond? Schizophrenia. That, my friends, rarely there is a point of return. Scary eh? 

Living with someone who has this disorder ain't easy. I have to take one day at a time. I never know what issues tomorrow will bring. Today may be the toilet, tomorrow may be the food, so on and so forth. Going with him to my parents and back to hometown has been a challenge. My mom, who supposedly should understand this even better than me since my dad is a bipolar and manic depressive, seem to not get it. I guess since it isn't depression, can't expect much from anyone. 

Why go far? Even I couldn't get a grip. I would be so upset most days. The moment one his "ritual" (Some people with OCD perform compulsive rituals because they inexplicably feel they have to, others act compulsively so as to mitigate the anxiety that stems from particular obsessive thoughts. The person might feel that these actions somehow either will prevent a dreaded event from occurring, or will push the event from their thoughts. In any case, the individual's reasoning is so idiosyncratic or distorted that it results in significant distress for the individual with OCD or for those around them. -Wikipedia) starts, I would just become so angry and I lash out at him. He apologizes a hundred times a day to me and that hurts. It is something he can't control, the doctor keeps telling me. Finally the day before my birthday, he spilled his heart out. How he feels truly having this mental sickness. I was still calm about it. It took me a day to let out my feelings in return, on my birthday evening. 

Our marriage has been nothing but being put through tests after tests. A glimpse of happiness & peace, and we are back hard at work in making things work and being true to ourselves. 

Anyho, he is on medication and also partial cognitive behavior therapy. We are just hoping for the best. And in the mean time, we are being happy. Like hubby says, we can't just put our lives on hold and be depressed about it. We move on. Like what we have always done. We pick ourselves up, and we move on. No matter what, even though he told me he is willing to let me go, we will never leave each other. Seriously, there is such a thing as made for each other. You just know there will never be another who can live with you day and night, with your personality, with your imperfections... no, jokes aside, this made for each other thing is real. 

Can I say that I totally understand when he gets an attack? No, there are times I still don't. But I am better at calming myself now, I think. Can you imagine what he goes through day to day? This is my side of the story and I think if you heard his side of the story, you will end up shedding a tear. 

In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. Amen. 

Don't take your mental health lightly. Seek help even if you think it's nothing.
We are seeing Dr Ng and we have no regrets at all. He is patient, calm, and best of all, he gave the right diagnosis :)  
Images: Google Images

Guys, you could win a new fridge or other home appliances with this #SharpPCI contest! Just click here!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Jealousy vs Envy

Envy (from Latin invidia) is a resentment which "occurs when someone lacks another's quality, achievement or possession and wishes that the other lacked it."

Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.

One of my bestie mentioned something about another person being envy about her - more specifically of the men in her life. 

Aren't we all destined for whatever it is that we are? Err if that made sense. Why the envy of another person then?

When we are nice, people take advantage. When we are not doing good, people have pity or some are even happy. When we are happy because we choose to be despite whatever is happening, people get envious. Hmmm.. Envio
us of what we have, who we are friends with.. c'mon man, no one has any idea what one's journey has been. Can't we all just be happy for everyone? 

Just sayin... 

Google Images

Monday, January 6, 2014

Munarene Collectibles

Hubs and I were "jalan-jalan'ing" at Jaya 33 on one weekend sometime back, and we saw this really cute musical "boxes". It was also very unique. The couple who were selling it were kind enough to play one of it for us, and explained the details of the musical "box" was. Of course I told them, no obligations right? Haha I knew I wouldn't be buying any, so I didn't want them to show it to me with hopes I would purchase it. 

Now the reason I used the inverted commas on "box" because it really isn't your ordinary looking musical box. Take a look at some of the photos below. I tried including their video but can't seem to save it. So check out their FB page if you are keen in getting a unique gift for someone :) 

A miniature animated scene inside the decorated "matchbox".
Plays one wind up song once the box is opened.

Melody wheel

Sunday, January 5, 2014

A twist to my weight loss journey

As all of you know, I am struggling with my weight. Being on Visanne for so many months isn't helping at all. Can you imagine, we ladies are suppose to bleed monthly, but I have not for many months! The body is bloated, there's weight gain, water weight and what not. You name it. 

Not long ago, a friend of mine posted up photos of her on FB and to see her so slim, intrigued me. I knew I had to ask her what's her secret. She shared it with me, and a couple of months down the road, I decided to give it a try. I read and read non stop online, and finally bought 1 box of it. Yesterday was Day 1. The most significant thing that has happened is - I am not constantly hungry. Heck, I am even full on water!! The only thing so far has been able to curb my hunger pangs (thanks to the imbalance hormones). 

It's too soon to brag about it. So on Day 10, I shall give my review and feedback and reveal this product :) 

Have a great Sunday! 


If you are still keen in reading my writings, ramblings and rants, do check out www.venomjoy.blogspot.com