Monday, January 13, 2014


There are millions type of OCD out there. The one that I am dealing with is hubby's HIV OCD. You know how we are ignorant towards certain things up and until it hits us? Well yeah, I never knew there was such a thing as HIV OCD. I knew generally about OCD, but didn't know there were so many types of OCD. 

Sometime back, I wrote about he being diagnosed with a delusional disorder. Well well well, it wasn't a delusional disorder. It was OCD. All the things he did, was all OCD in action. Thank God he found a psychiatrist who knew what he was talking about. This doctor at the first session itself told us point blank - what you have is HIV OCD, and you are already in Stage Two (out of three). 

Now what happens when they slip into stage 3 and beyond? Schizophrenia. That, my friends, rarely there is a point of return. Scary eh? 

Living with someone who has this disorder ain't easy. I have to take one day at a time. I never know what issues tomorrow will bring. Today may be the toilet, tomorrow may be the food, so on and so forth. Going with him to my parents and back to hometown has been a challenge. My mom, who supposedly should understand this even better than me since my dad is a bipolar and manic depressive, seem to not get it. I guess since it isn't depression, can't expect much from anyone. 

Why go far? Even I couldn't get a grip. I would be so upset most days. The moment one his "ritual" (Some people with OCD perform compulsive rituals because they inexplicably feel they have to, others act compulsively so as to mitigate the anxiety that stems from particular obsessive thoughts. The person might feel that these actions somehow either will prevent a dreaded event from occurring, or will push the event from their thoughts. In any case, the individual's reasoning is so idiosyncratic or distorted that it results in significant distress for the individual with OCD or for those around them. -Wikipedia) starts, I would just become so angry and I lash out at him. He apologizes a hundred times a day to me and that hurts. It is something he can't control, the doctor keeps telling me. Finally the day before my birthday, he spilled his heart out. How he feels truly having this mental sickness. I was still calm about it. It took me a day to let out my feelings in return, on my birthday evening. 

Our marriage has been nothing but being put through tests after tests. A glimpse of happiness & peace, and we are back hard at work in making things work and being true to ourselves. 

Anyho, he is on medication and also partial cognitive behavior therapy. We are just hoping for the best. And in the mean time, we are being happy. Like hubby says, we can't just put our lives on hold and be depressed about it. We move on. Like what we have always done. We pick ourselves up, and we move on. No matter what, even though he told me he is willing to let me go, we will never leave each other. Seriously, there is such a thing as made for each other. You just know there will never be another who can live with you day and night, with your personality, with your imperfections... no, jokes aside, this made for each other thing is real. 

Can I say that I totally understand when he gets an attack? No, there are times I still don't. But I am better at calming myself now, I think. Can you imagine what he goes through day to day? This is my side of the story and I think if you heard his side of the story, you will end up shedding a tear. 

In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. Amen. 

Don't take your mental health lightly. Seek help even if you think it's nothing.
We are seeing Dr Ng and we have no regrets at all. He is patient, calm, and best of all, he gave the right diagnosis :)  
Images: Google Images

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  1. TM, i have no word to comfort u. Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yg memikul. Stay strong...

  2. Thank you dear! I have come to realize that we can be strong, when strong is our only option.

  3. Thank you for this honest post. I want to reach out and give you a hug. I don't want to say too much here but I know someone who is also OCD-inclined but I was never aware that there were formal medical terms for each type of OCD. Thanks for reminding me to look into this.
    *sends a big, fat virtual hug to The Mrs*
    I always tell myself that in life, surviving is a kind of winning too.


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